What I’ve learned from the fifth Twilight movie so far is that vampires sparkle more when they orgasm

Apparently Lee Pace and Rami Malek are in this movie at some point and I’m extremely irritated I haven’t seen them yet

Also the CGI child eyes never stop being freaky

Oh here they are. It’s avengers assemble

Oh shit. I looked down for a second and they introduced 18 new characters

And they’re all very very hetero

So Bella’s power is she can project ennui on anyone

The dialect coach for this movie has a lot to answer for

Wait, he opened a crack in the ground all the way to magma?

My absolute favourite performance in all the Twilight movies is Christopher Heyerdahl waiting for death

It’s extremely gross that Renesme winds up with Jacob. Extremely ick

But this final montage might actually be more gross

Oh god, more montage. Who even are any of these characters?

Thank goodness I never have to watch any of those movies again