i wanted to do a quick thread on schizophrenia / schizoaffective & how scary psychosis can be for someone bc i’ve been having a hard time recently. sometimes i feel very alone or like no one understands so, i want to try to help you understand me? i’ll try anyway.

some of the things i struggle with the most are severe delusions & paranoia. these manifest in different ways. for example, i often feel like everyone is angry at me or going to/trying to hurt me; i see hatred & disgust & anger when there isn’t any. i feel targeted.

this paranoia can be so crippling that sometimes i’m afraid to leave my bed or the house. when i do, i can be overwhelmed: i jump at a kid running by or someone calling out my name. i feel like people are following me and watching me and judging my every step.

when i read an article or a tweet or hear news, i feel as if the person is somehow talking to me. they’re angry at *me* for being so evil and causing this and being born. this happens within conversations too, whether or not i’m apart of them. i just have to hear/see them.

this also leads to severe insomnia. i usually go to bed at 5 or 6 or even 7 am in the morning, because i’m terrified of having night terrors and/or am dealing with paranoia. i feel very lonely and i cry a lot then, and eventually become so tired i kinda collapse.

visual & auditory hallucinations happen too; but i’m still wary of talking about those because they’re often very stigmatized and i don’t think i can handle the anxiety at the moment. but they can be very scary, and i’ll react physically i.e. dodging (a hit), hiding or crying.

i don’t often tell people what i deal with because i’m afraid of judgement; i’ll probably delete this thread after a few hours because i’ll get paranoid that i’ve done something wrong, sorry! but i wanted to explain why it can be so hard for me to interact sometimes. love you