Read on Twitter
So like I& #39;d mentioned I& #39;d been feeling some kind of way about things, and I want to attempt to explain it. It boils down to mattering and belonging, but it& #39;s a lot to work through. So. 1/
I& #39;ve been feeling really out of place in pretty much all the groups I am apart of. Almost like an outsider, but not that strong a word. Like someone who is there but not a part of things. And it& #39;s left me feeling additionally anxious and lonely. 2/
I know part of it is like... me just not being around when shit was busy at work during the quarantine, or too tired to really be around/active. But I also worry that my stances have people less inclined to talk to me as in the past 3/
I have strong beliefs that go beyond one acknowledgment and moving on. That go beyond one person or leader. That I can& #39;t just move on from or pretend aren& #39;t there. That I struggle to just put aside for fun or fan purposes. A lot of them were brought up in the last few months 4/
Part of me is worried my strong and prolonged support of BLM and the protestors, my sharing of commentary on police and military, my near inability to be fannish about new Expanse news until CA is dealt with, the latter because i know MULTIPLE victims, puts off people i like 5/
from talking to me. I can& #39;t be cute about things that make me angry. I can& #39;t always make jokes. I can& #39;t look past a serial misconductor hurting people I know to be excited about seeing them on my screen soon without resolution. I can& #39;t. My friends come first always. 6/
My Black friends, my protesting friends, my hurt friends, my jobless friends, my struggling friends. So I& #39;ve been angry. Not cute. Not fun. I hoped people would understand. I worry now they think I& #39;m too much trouble. A buzzkill. 7/
I know I& #39;ve said i don& #39;t care what people think of me. That& #39;s only half true. I& #39;ve been so lonely during all of this, worked to death, and feeling outside every group makes each next one a little harder. Feeling set aside fucking hurts. 8/
I& #39;ve been trying to do what I can. Reach out more. Reply more. Talk more. Engage. But it doesn& #39;t make the fear of not coming back in from the cold go away. I want to feel like I matter again, to everyone I want to matter to. Every setback feels worse than the last. 9/
So. I& #39;m trying. I& #39;ve been trying to articulate this for weeks, this feeling of not mattering anymore, of alienating, of being an unattractive thing to engage with. It still doesn& #39;t feel like I& #39;m saying it right. But at least I& #39;ve said something. 10/
I want to feel like I belong again. Like how I feel is okay. Like I don& #39;t have to worry about being hated or left out. Like people want me around or care what I have to say. I& #39;m tired of feeling like this. I& #39;m tired of being uncertain. I just want to belong somewhere again.
Most of this thread is my feelings towards Twitter but like some of it applies to my other circles too.
