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Not that I think highly of myself, but if I laugh and initiate or entertain a talk about random stuff with you, it means I wholeheartedly appreciate your existence in my life—regardless of the amount of time we spend together or how common our interests are.
It’s like I’m out there but covered in transparent vinyl. You see me go about quite actively and I’m with you but there’s just this thin layer, a space, around me that even I myself am having difficulties removing. It’s not a disguise, not a pretense; it’s just that: a space.
I guess I grew up not having, and sometimes was robbed of, the right opportunity to open myself to others just like the rest so I developed a sense of ease in solitude and in doing things alone. I actually regret not doing some things just because I’m not used to doing them.
But I’m trying. I suck at keeping connected with people due to some unpleasant experiences since childhood but I think I’m trying my best at the moment.
Life isn’t getting any “pleasant” in this aspect...you know, people and things happen...but I’m enjoying the company of the people I get to spend my time with now. Really, I’m grateful and I’m happy, though it may not seem like so sometimes.
After a period of engaging with people, that ‘drained’ feeling still comes. And it isn’t merely taking time off, getting some fresh air kind of thing. I reach a point of hating the sight of other people and whatever I see them do irritates me. Worse, I get completely indifferent.
I get indifferent even towards my closest friends. And I get bothered by this as well. I ask myself, “am I really heartless? Am I that incapable?” I don’t think so. At least, that’s what I want to believe in. That’s why “enlarge your territory” has made a great impact on me.
I am trying to expand the capability of my mind to understand and of my heart to love. This will probably be a theme to live by for a lifetime. Process and stuff.
People may think otherwise but this is me from my perspective. I don’t even care how my acts of trying will be interpreted. I am easily misunderstood anyway.
So what is this thread for? Nothing much. Just me trying to express my gratitude for and towards you, a friend, for being present in my life. I am genuinely glad that I had come to see life to be meaningful with you in it.
(PS. And this is me trying to just randomly write something in English lol
PPS. And this is for me to have something to look back to.)
PPS. And this is for me to have something to look back to.)
