bipolar 2, by the amazingly talented @100bigdogs

living with manic depressive disorder is exhausting. it drains me most days. today was a particularly a roller coaster of a day, fluctuating from high to low and everything in between within a 24 hour period. mental illness is real and affects about 1 in 5 people a year.

bipolar disorder is an insidious ailment, as you cycle through the highest highs (i can do anything), to the lowest lows (i can’t do anything). in this thread i want to discuss my daily struggles.

mania; imagine thinking you can read Sören Kierkegaard in a single night and understand it perfectly (i know, who thinks that!). i’ve been there. mania, is honestly, kind of great. you feel better than invincible, you feel unconquerable. as if you could Best the entire world.

mania i like beings little dictator. you can control everything. it’s dangerous. with mania nothing matters, something, where the inverse is also true with depression. in the manic state a person feels super human, imperious to the world and pain. it is accented by elated moods.

mania feels really good. a person can’t be brought down in mania and can be the life of the party, so to speak. mania creates a tolerance to ailments, as if a person could could never do any wrong or win at anything.

meanwhile there is, always lurking, the depressive episode...

depression; the soul crushing, black hole, of torment and angst. depression is more than just being sad when you have bipolar disorder or depression. it is the inability to perform the most basic tasks. eating, dressing, washing, etc., all basic tasks are Sisyphean.

the depressive episode makes one incapable of even leaving one’s bed. they dream of rest they cannot get even when they do nothing all day or for months on end. depression leaves a person a shell of their selves. it is the weight even Atlas could not bear.

in the depressive episode, a person feels as if, in their darkest moments, that life isn’t worth living. as if they can do nothing right. they become a husk, a skeleton, that cannot even get out of bed to get dressed or brush their teeth. they become, in a sense a ghost.

life becomes ethereal, ephemeral, a sort of fever dream that is groggy with exhaustion. the depressive episode is punctuated with exactly this, a constant state of exhaustion. the body and psyche become so fired that everything seems damn near implausible.

suicide; in these moments of extremes there is the darkest question, Camus’ dilemma. does one commit suicide or does one persist, against the odds. suicide becomes a sort of reoccurring friend. something that is constantly reoccurring and seems like a viable option.

the question of suicide rages like the Devil in a persons head, screaming or whispering “surely, you should die...” it is the darkest moment when a person considers it. they are truly in a position that feels damnable. as if they were Judas attempting to return their silver.

but this is not a thread hat condones suicide! rather, like Camus, it upholds life and life to the fullest!!! in the absurdity of mental illness, there is meaning. the meaning is this, life is worth living, despite the illness, because there is so much to live for!

live life for the dog waiting to go on a morning walk with you. the cat who basks in the morning sun as you drink coffee. to see an old friend again. to dance drunkenly at a wedding. to sing your ck favorite song at a concert. to finish the entire bibliography of your fav author.

to get married, have kids, get a dog, grow old and watch others grow old. to do something as banal as finish your favorite tv show or go to the cinemas again. to enjoy a smoke, receive the Eucharist with the Body of Christ. to have a little soirée. to cry, laugh, love, love.

the absurdity of mental illness in it’s monochrome existence (for lack of a better expression), can never match the joy of the kaleidoscope of color of living life. living life is worth it. no matter your struggles, whatever they may be.

so as a man who struggles constantly with manic depressive disorder, i day this in closing; please choose life! your life has value. if you’re a believer that means by God, if you aren’t, that means by your friends and family. you matter, you have value. you mean something.

i love you. if you ever struggle with what i do. please talk to me, a friend, a therapist, God, or any of the many people who want, dearly, to listen to you. if you need dire help please reach out to the national hotlines. (i will include them below).