Right here is goes and this is not looking for sympathy. As it’s suicide awareness month I want to share my story. When I was 14 I went off the rails a bit. I lost both of my grandfathers in the space of 5 weeks. I had no friends in school and was horrendously bullied for no

Reason. I had no outlet no one to talk to and I became very bitter towards the world. I hated everything and everyone but the thing I hated most was myself. I would pray to whatever god there was to give me the strength to kill my self to be brave enough to follow through

This carried on for years with self harm and self loathing then when I was 20 my medical issues started. I have arthritis and disc disease. Along with a few other issues I was put on a medication for the arthritis it stated 1 in 100 would experience suicidal thaughts.

I was that 1 in 100. I was on them ten days and 8 out of those ten days I attempted any way I could think off there was no rational thinking in my head at all. Finally I told my mother I was going to kill my self and she made me go to the doctor.

I told the doctor this and she told me I was addicted to pain meds and I was just trying to get my hands on stronger meds. I cracked up I lost my mind and smashed up her office. It was at this point I was sent to a mental health team as an outpatient.

I’ve been an outpatient in this clinic for 8 years I’ve been diagnosed as a manic depressive which gave me a name to what I feel. I have manic states where I am all over the shop and want to self harm or even worse. Then I got autoimmune thyroiditis which makes u

Depressed when the hormone levels aren’t balanced. This made keeping myself under control so much harder. But I am still here I have shit days and I have truly wonderful days. I’ll never say I’m perfect coz god knows I’m not but I’m still here and I’m trying.

I have an amazing support system. Something I never had as a teenager. I have the best friends that Keep me grounded I have supportive family who understand that some days I will just cry all day and they know not to press me into talking and I have music. My outlet

My escape when the world gets too much for me. It’s ok not to be ok. I have been thru a lot in 14 years and if my story helps anyone who is feeling lost then it wasn’t a complete waste of tome. My dms are always open to anyone who needs to talk even if it’s just a distraction.

Again this isn’t for sympathy so please no hate. And for anyone who reads this whole thread thank u for giving me the time to see the world as I see it xx