Hear me out:

What if we just brought back jousting tournaments?

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Jousting tournaments promote many useful and virtuous things, such as:

- horses
- suits of armor
- family crests displayed on shields
- cheering collectively against the dark knight who the princess does not want to win because he is a douchebag

Jousting tournaments could replace many modern systems with superior results. For example, no more internet arguments, jousting instead:

- stops 99% of stupid arguments because we realize it isn't worth it
- 1% of arguments that still happen have clear winners and endings

No more politics, jousting instead:

- Don't need recounts, the loser is clearly on the ground
- Media has a harder time spinning things, the Lance speaks the truth
- Neither Biden or Trump is possibly going to win this thing

No more broken education system, jousting instead:

- kids learn real life lessons like caring for horses (nature's most majestic animal) and "how not to die"
- 1st graders in mini suits of armor = adorable
- kids' ponies will grow up to be stalions for adult jousting - win-win

I'm going to be perfectly honest here, I did not think this through before I posted the first tweet. But now I am beginning to think I have solved nearly all of humanity's ills without actually trying.

More benefits to replacing everything with jousting tournaments:

- gets people outdoors
- new Golden Age for flag bearers (creates jobs)
- built in social distancing because you're stabbing each other with six foot lances (no more guessing "is this six feet...?")

Do you get looked at funny because you walk around eating a giant roasted turkey leg and are not at Disney World? No more strangers staring; everyone knows turkey legs are the Food of the Joust and you must just be on your way to view a fight to the death (who isn't?).

Healthcare has become expensive, and no one can seem to agree how to solve the complex problems we currently face.

The solution, of course, is more jousting. No one in jousting days worried about Healthcare, and I assume that is because of jousting. Hindsight is 20/20.

Man am I tired this Monday morning.

You know what would wake me up quickly?

That's right. Jousting. Blazing towards a seated horseman with a coned spear is nature's caffeine.

Because you are on a horse, you can safely text while jousting. You can even drink and joust. You will lose, but it is not illegal and the danger is only to yourself.

Texting and/or drinking while driving is abominable. Joust instead.

What else is jousting better than? Here are a few examples:

- air travel
- food poisoning
- colonoscopies
- The Yankees
- wishing you could joust but not manning up and doing it

Jousting is sounding pretty good, isn't it? It is.

- Studies show exercise helps fight depression.

- Jousting is a pretty intense form of exercise.

∴ Jousting fights depression.

(Plus evil knights from that neighboring kingdom that I'm pretty sure keeps stealing your sheep at night. It fights both *at the same time.*)

Fencing is an Olympic sport.

Equestrian disciplines are Olympic sports.

If only there was some way to combine the two into one, far-superior Olympic event.

OH WAIT

"But JK," I hear you saying, "isn't Jousting prohibitively expensive?"

Not at all. You can make your own equipment, even. All you need - as this video says - is "some sharp tools and a tree."

THAT'S IT.

"But also a horse," you reply, because for some reason you seem REALLY against my dreams of bringing back jousting.

Look, I can't solve every problem for you. Have you tried Googling "getting a horse for super cheap?" Help me help you (and the world, by bringing back jousting).

Also have you considered just finding a wild horse for your jousting needs? Look, here is a map to narrow it down for you and everything.

There's even some up there in Canada. (Or you could joust from a moose...? I will look into the official rules for that, hang on.)

Looking for that perfect gift for a friend or family member during this difficult year?

It's never the wrong time to purchase a complete set of jousting gear and surprise your loved ones with a hobby that will last them a lifetime.*

*Possibly very short; jousting may kill them.