This feels paradoxical but:

Growing up being told that “strong women” stood up to men when they were wronged, and insisted on having their boundaries respected, meant only that when I slipped on those fronts I became full of shame and self loathing and became easier to abuse.

I don’t know why, but the year I was twenty-nine and edging into thirty, so many men stuck their condomless dicks into me after I had expressly told them I wanted to use a condom. The first time this had happened to me, I was twenty-three and it fucked me up real bad.

But then at twenty-nine, it happened again. And again. And again. And I don’t know why — I really don’t — but I know that because I didn’t throw men out of the house when they pulled this move I became deeply ashamed of myself, and that shame made it harder and harder to protest.

And all these supposedly motivational lines about how I should respect myself or just read a good book instead of seeking comfort in the arms of men who didn’t respect me just felt like empty platitudes: I wanted to be loved, being loved felt impossible, this felt like the price.

The thing that actually enabled me to move on, to be that “strong woman,” was to recognize this behavior as abuse. To understand that my boundaries being violated was not my fault. To forgive myself, accept myself, and allow myself to feel *okay*.

I really don’t think people understand how much this supposedly motivational, “don’t take shit from men, girl!!!” talk can just backfire. I don’t think people understand how much it glosses over that the game is rigged, and rigged against women.

You’re supposed to stand your ground, but standing your ground makes you a bitch. Enduring violation often feels like the price of love and affection in a world that tells you you are nothing without those things.

Anyway, so much of how I structure my relationships these days is as much an act of self protection as a choice of how to pursue happiness.

I think the crux is probably this: we tell women that they shouldn’t sell for anything less than a perfect, and perfectly respectful, partner, but we also make it *incredibly difficult to be a single woman*.

We position partnership as not just aspirational but *the* end point for women, and then scold them for accepting affection from men who treat them badly. It’s a real rock and a hard place situation!

I tried to break the cycle by finding partners who would treat me well, but that backfired spectacularly. And ultimately I realized that the only real way to break the cycle was by loving being alone so much that I would only sacrifice it for someone really worth it.

And let me tell you: even as a confident and happy and successful single woman, it is hard to be a single woman in this world. It just is. The world is set up to tell you that you’re living your life wrong and shame you for it.

Meanwhile, men get to leave a trail of bodies behind them and whine when anyone so much as slaps them on the wrist.