Each week, each day, more and more of my Lebanese friends are leaving. And it hurts like hell. There’s no right or wrong thing to do, it’s a very personal decision, but after months of fighting what seems to be a lost cause, everyone’s exhausted.

I moved back to Leb 6 weeks ago as my US visa expired. Was I happy in the US? Ofc, I worried about diner plans, changing jobs, or hinge dates. But ultimately I felt very lonely and misunderstood, seeing my country falling apart from a distance all alone.

I didn’t have a choice, and I genuinely wanted to be with my friends&fam. I needed it. But today I’m paralyzed. Unable to leave (logistics wise, I don’t have another passport nor a bank account outside if Leb), I also don’t want to leave right now.

Like many, I’m still grieving my country and my home. The thought of moving to another country right now, and grieve Lebanon on my own, while starting a “normal life” again, seems like an emotionally impossible task for me.

But each day I also loose hope in Lebanon. Not only because of its political elite, but also its people who get into fights amongst each other over the warlords they worship, their blatant racism, and lack of basic human decency & compassion.

I used to romanticize Lebanon as a defense/coping mechanism to survive: we had the concerts, the nightlife, the sunsets, and the beach. Today, I feel like I’ve been robbed of everything, even the bubble of friends I had created to survive is slowly disappearing.

The whole “don’t give into nostalgia” speech is still so hard for me, after I’ve given, lost, and grieved so much here. After all, it’s my home. My family, my house, my cat are here. If you know me, you know how much I love this country. Unfortunately that’s not enough anymore.

Until I figure out if (or rather when) I will leave, I’ll be here reporting from the ground and hoping, praying, fighting for a miracle. If you know a genie somewhere in a random lamp, hmu with their address, I really badly need my 3 wishes.

If you’ve made it to the end of this thread, thank you. I’m feeling really down with this Sunday/end of summer/everyone’s leaving blues. I try to keep a positive attitude in front of my mom/fam/friends but sometimes it’s just too much.