Read on Twitter
Understanding my emotional issues is very weird. Like I know what's wrong, and I know what issues I have. I just don't know how to fix them or make them go away.
If there's one thing I genuinely know that I am afraid of, it is being abandoned and burdening those I love. I often fear that I will one day at outlive my usefulness, soon I won't be gifted enough for my existence to be justified.
I feel like I will eventually lose what little skill and talent that I actually have and suddenly my existence will have no purpose and no justification. I already feel that I have very little to actually offer to the world around me.
So, I often feel like I have to compensate and make it up to other people for having to deal with the burden of being around me. One of the few things I enjoy about myself is the fact that I'm very low maintenance. Makes me feel like I'm less of a burden that way.
Throwing myself In harm's way to protect the other people even if I have no real reason to is a thing I do a lot. Even if it's extremely detrimental to me and my emotional and physical well-being.
I'm also a semi-former gifted kid who developed a very toxic relationship with work and productivity. I have a learning disability that really negatively impact my ability to do math, so I felt like I had to be good at everything else to make up for that.
I was often praised for being good at academics find my family, by my teachers and peers. I often fear that once I leave school, I won't be good at anything anymore.
I know how foolish it sounds but it's a constant worry in the back of my mind.
I know how foolish it sounds but it's a constant worry in the back of my mind.
So yes I developed a work ethic, but I developed a very bad sense of perfectionism on top of that. So I often time my work to not just my productivity but also the results of that productivity.
Every time I feel like I'm failing, I feel like I'm letting everyone who ever praised me or complimented me down. I also feel like I don't have much to offer in terms of personality or actual intelligence, so use my art and random knowledge of various subjects to make up for it
I find it extremely hard to actually hold conversation if they don't involve whatever 3 things I'm interested in at the time. So I often alienate those around me when I'm unable to properly make conversation with others.
That's probably why I have so few friends that are my age. I'm very much alone from a physical and emotional standpoint. I often feel like I'm just an idiot who can't properly conduct themselves in a social setting, so it's very hard for me to make friends and keep them around.
I often feel like I have to make up for my actual lack of personality and charm, by being sarcastic or trying to be comedic in order to be seen as valuable by my friends. I also tend to shoulder the emotional burdens of my friends by playing the therapist friend.
I played a therapist friend in the hopes that if I let people dump all of their emotional stuff on to me I can somehow manage to keep them around me for a little bit longer. I also tend to grow overly concerned with other people's well-being.
It's probably cuz I grew up having to be the older sister figure to my cousin and my actual younger sister. So, I feel like I gotta take care of everything and everyone. So sometimes I get so focused on the needs of others that I end up neglecting myself.
Anyway, I'm very aware of how stupid this Thread is and I'll probably delete it all later.
