Sorry! Had to pause for a bit to do some <actual> paid work & also cause this film is tedious af. BUT it's not a horrific movie, just...bland.

let the #mulan live tweeting begin! [Thread] https://twitter.com/jinganyoung/status/1302431386356203520

Mulan's a kid but is already a skilled martial artist! Daddy VO tells us that only men can wield 'qi'. Now she's chasing a chicken and flying. Unlike the original where she uses her intelligence to complete her chores, this Mulan is, quoting the mother, 'uncontrollable'.

In Chinese culture, 'qi' is energy, often described as a living metabolism. It's in EVERYONE not just a chosen few. Assuming her flying/weaponry skills are also GENETIC (har har). Queue my expression, reflected by Mulan's no-character-story-arc-why-is-she-here sister (below).

Chasing chickens and flying don't get you a husband! Mum is upset with dad, 'They call her [Mulan] a witch!'

Historically, in rural China, witch homes = "zhu" a trait which can easily spread through villages like the plague. Thus, those 'rumoured' to be witches are ostracised.

So, before this there's some stuff about a phoenix rising but I don't want to bore you. Now we're in the desert...GONG LI! GONG LI playing a...WITCH! A witch who can TRANSFORM! INTO! BIRDS! Fly my pretties, fly!

*Gong Li's witch is actually my favourite character. Li plays is to perfection. Femme fatale with motivation and bad ass combat/magic oozing with sex.

Jet Li as the Emperor (badly dubbed into English). Jet Li can speak English! Why didn't they just shoot it in Mandarin and be done with it!

btw using "qi" for evil stuff is bad.

Oh yeah sorry she's working for Bori Khan (Jason Scott Lee), a Rouran leader.

Rourans (Нирун) are a tribe of Proto-Mongolic Donghu origin.

Anyhoo he calls her a witch, she gets pissed off, (wouldn't you?):"I could tear you to pieces before you blink."

But...she doesn't. Sigh.

Many years now passed. Enter adult Mulan riding horses with CGI rabbit pals. No other context needed. It an idyllic life, heh. Did you know the rabbits were male and female? M&F = equality.

Back home. No food close ups. This bothers me. Matchmaker time!

Hands down the best scene in the film is Mulan getting ready for the matchmaker. Even without the stupendous track, 'You'll bring honour to us all'. Putting on the mask. Hiding your true self. Some actual emotion(s) are shown!

Throughout the film, Liu tries her very very best to be funny. On way to matchmaker, she asks her sister to guess her expression, 'This is my sad face, curious face, now I'm confused.'

BUT it's jarring, awkward and weird. Like this movie as a whole. Points for effort.

RIGHT. OK. I CAN'T FINISH THIS THREAD. It's too painful to watch again. If you've just joined, apologies. This movie was a mess. The only thing I actually enjoyed was the sexual tension between Gong and Liu.

But look out for my article in Guardian on Mulan next week.
再見!