im crying @ how ugly her dress is too

DISNEY, ARE YOU INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO MAKE TRADITIONAL CHINESE CLOTHES LOOK BAD

MULAN JUST PULLED A SPIDERMAN 1 CAFETERIA SCENE

THE RED BANNERS IN THE BACKGROUND IM DYYYYIIIIINNNNG

THEY READ LIKE THE KIND OF ARTICLES YOUR AUNTIES WOULD FORWARD TO THE FAMILY WECHAT GROUP

mulan has the FBI motto etched into her sword, how noble

LOOK GUYS HUA PING IS BORN

omg there was like no impact to the dramatic decision scene?? IT WAS LIKE 2 SECONDS and then she just...rides off into the wilderness???

oh here's the phoenix y'all have been yelling about

it looks fine to me?

DONNIE YEN!!!! DONNIE YEN!!!!!!!! DONNIE YEN IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LING, YAO, AND PO ARE ALL HERE!!

BUT I CAN'T TELL WHO IS WHO BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY HALF-NAKED MEN!!!!

when a dick pic slides into ur DMs

why and how are there...showers.....

when u take ur binder off after a long day

i am satisfied by this.

unless you play the song, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

disappointing update: they didn't play the song. it's just donnie yen waving a sword around and then everyone copying him.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF Y'ALL ARE NOT CONVEYING THIS VIA A MUSICAL NUMBER

this is Mulan after beating another soldier with her mystical superpowers

WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD TO BE ELSA, MULAN

so they spun the Shang character into...this...i guess......

instead of being in the middle of a cheery musical number and abruptly stumbling upon the true horrors of war, it just....cuts to this. there's no emotional impact.

i'm so done with this movie, mulan randomly ends up alone in the middle of a battle, has a brief meaningless confrontation with the enemy bird spirit, passes out, wakes up, stares at the Truth character on her sword and...decides to shed her armor and loosen her hair

WHAT IS HAPPENING AND WHY IS SHE DOING BACKFLIPS ON A HORSE IN THIS VERY IMPRACTICAL OUTFIT

THE MOST BAFFLING THING IS SHE DIDN'T LOSE HER HAIRTIE IN BATTLE LIKE WE EXPECTED. SHE TOOK IT OFF HERSELF.

GIRL, DO YOU ENJOY HAIR IN YOUR FACE AS YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGHT PEOPLE?????

i am actively angry that i still have 50 minutes of this movie to get through

The Birds (1963)

they...killed all of those soldiers...with one cannonball...

mulan's avalanche plan killed a bunch of her own comrades lol

wouldn't a male soldier also look like this with his hair down....

ew

OKAY SO THE BIRD SPIRIT LITERALLY TOLD MULAN BORI KHAN'S TOP SECRET BATTLE PLANS AND THEN JUST LET MULAN RUN OFF TO INFORM THE ARMY

this scene would've been nice if it wasn't built up by a series of completely illogical events

lol look it's that corridor that appears in every c-drama ever

A DUEL???? A DUEL???????????????????

THIS IS ONLY ACCEPTABLE IF THE EMPEROR AND BORI KHAN WHIP OUT THEIR YUGIOH CARDS AND THEN THROW DOWN

SO...IN PREPARATION FOR THE EMPEROR AND BORI KHAN'S EPIC MATCH OF YUGIOH: THE TRADING CARD GAME, THEY REDIRECTED EVERY SINGLE CITY GUARD TO A SINGLE SQUARE....

the emperor walked into the most obvious trap in fake chinese history and then started doing bed sheet kung fu

im sobbing this is objectively one of the dumbest movies i've ever seen

didn't you know??? this is how all Asian people travel through narrow spaces

MULAN, LOOK AT HER!! SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR DUMB NOBLE PATH!!!!!

yeah i'm very confused, the whole capital had like 12 people in it

SHE WAS LITERALLY ALONE IN THE THRONE ROOM WITH MULAN AND THEN FLEW OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT

mulan teleported outside the capital and bori khan tried to shoot her and then the bird spirit TOOK THE ARROW FOR HER

BITCH WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL THE KHAN YOUR DAMN SELF AND DECLARE YOURSELF EMPRESS AND MAKE MULAN YOUR GENERAL

MY BRAIN HURTS!!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE!!!!! THERE'S STILL 25 MINUTES OF IT!!!!!!!

GOODBYE FBI SWORD WE WON'T MISS YOU

ANOTHER SCENE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT IF IT HAD ANY EMOTIONAL BUILDUP WHATSOEVER!!!!!

mulan finally showing off moves learnt from her mentor, Ip Man

oh yeah it's so great that bori khan conveniently fell to his death so the kids don't have to contemplate the ethics of mulan murdering someone for real

never mind he's not dead. he shot an arrow...and then the emperor caught it with his bare hand. this greatly vexed bori khan.

the emperor throws the arrow into the air. mulan KICKS IT INTO BORI KHAN!!!!!!!!!!! KICKS IT!!!!!

oh my god i was so terrified for a second that the emperor made mulan a court lady

oh...were they supposed to be a thing....

the emperor gave her a new FBI sword...yay...

OH NO

NONO NONOANOANONONO

IT'S OVER!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!

I AM EXHAUSTED IN MIND, BODY, AND SOUL

THAT WAS LEGIT ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I'VE EVER WITNESSED WITH MY TWO EYES

NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF THE WHITE PEOPLE WRITING ASIANS NESS BUT BECAUSE IT'S LEGIT JUST BAD ALL AROUND?????

the chief reason why #mulan is absolutely terrible:

anyway instead of watching Mulan, here are the links to my tweet collections about Chinese history : https://linktr.ee/xiranjayzhao 

oh and lemme plug my book that's getting published in Fall 2021 because i'm mad at white people writing Asian stories. It's a Pacific Rim x The Handmaid's Tale retelling of China's only female emperor.

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52459864-iron-widow https://twitter.com/XiranJayZhao/status/1240042916526952449?s=20