When I was younger, I hated the idea of marriage. I often found my self thinking ‘if marriage truly is like this, why are women the ones in a rush to get married?’ I thought it should be the other way round seeing as women basically do all the work.

A THREAD!!

I’d see how women would have to wake up early to cook for the whole family, pack lunch for the kids, bath them, feed them, and cloth them before going to work while the man just simply eats and goes to work. Why then are women the ones in a rush?

I’d hear stories of how the man would take leave from work but it’s still the woman (who is going to work) that would wake up early to make breakfast and when she comes back from work nko? She’d still cook dinner. Why then are women the ones in a rush?

What about laundry? The dishes? Literally everything in the home (apart from putting on gen and washing car which is usually the excuse most men give as their reasons for not helping out with cooking and cleaning) So why then are the women in a rush?

What does the man do? You may ask. Well, I saw only the men providing and I concluded that must be why they are excluded from doing household chores. Little me believed that. I mean, it’s not easy to pay school fees for all the kids and provide for everyone in the home.

But one day, mom asked me to bring a book from her bag which was downstairs. As I was climbing the stairs to give her the book, I decided to open it. I saw calculations; how she broke down her salary. I saw a part labeled “children’s school fees”

It dawned on me that all this time that I thought dad was the sole provider; mom was actually helping out. It really opened my eyes and made me see my mom for the strong woman she is; providing and still doing all the chores at home.

Knowing this made me sad. If my mom was helping out in the provision aspect, it means most mothers make hidden sacrifices for their children but cover up to make the man seem like the “head”. I was back to square one; hating marriage and wondering why women were in a rush

I was taught a man is the head of the family. I expected more from the head. From my perspective as a little girl, when a family is with the “head” the family should run a lot smoother than when the family is with the “assistant” but this wasn’t the case or at least not to me.

Each time dad travelled, the home was normal. There was food to eat, mom would buy ingredients from the market and cook for us all, teach us the Word, bathe us, do my hair, take us to school. We wouldn’t even remember that the “head” was missing.

But when mom (“the assistant”) travelled? It felt like the family was upside down. Dad was always disorganized. He tried to hide it but it always showed. My hair wouldn’t be done. He’d buy us sweets for breakfast cos he couldn’t cook. For dinner? Bread.

He’d not know where to find socks for my uniform. He’d not know where the badges were. Even my teachers would know something was off. The house would be scattered. Shoes on the couch and clothes hanging on the table.

A few years later, I travelled to Abuja to see my godmother. I got to abj around 4pm and called her to come pick me. After waiting for about 20 minutes, I saw her husband and after exchanging pleasantries, he drove me to their house.

When we got home, she was excited to see me. Her husband left almost immediately. She begged me not to mind him, that he was in a meeting when she called him to pick me up so he had to quickly go back. My head was just confused.

How could she call her husband to pick me up and he left from his meeting to do it. Isn’t he the head? Should he do that? Isn’t this only supposed to be possible if it was the other way round? I was so confused. How was that possible?

She made dinner for everyone; introduced me to her kids who were roughly my age and I slept soon after. Next morning, I heard noise. They had visitors. I later came to find out that it was my godmother’s siblings. I could see them gisting and laughing in the parlor

But who do I see bringing the tray of bread and fried egg? It was her husband. He had made breakfast for the whole family before preparing for work. My brain couldn’t comprehend this. The head? Cooking? Even coming to ask me if I’d like cereal or bread and egg?

It was then I knew that not all marriages were patriarchal. Some men are very responsible and they help out a lot in the home. It was from that moment I knew the kind of marriage I wanted. It was that exact kind no doubt.

That was when my fear of marriage ended. I saw proof of one where both partners contributed 100 percent each. I just knew it was this kind of marriage or nothing. It just made perfect sense.

The man travelled after a few days and the number of times I heard “I miss my husband or if my husband was here, this would have been easier” really marveled me. I prayed for that kind of marriage; I still pray for that kind of marriage and I will experience it some day, amen.