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I’ve never talked about this publicly, but years ago a woman I was seeing cheated. I was an intern at Quad at the time, sweeping floors and cleaning bathrooms, hoping to get an opportunity to do some real work. She told me why: he was an older guy, provided more security...and...
...she didn’t feel confident in my future. At the time I was shocked/devastated, but looking back, it makes sense. She was very education driven, already trying to get a house, graduate programs, etc... and I was “gonna make beats and make it.” I disappeared...
I actually slept a night on a bench in Central Park. I woke up watching the sunrise. I walked away from that feeling more insecure than I’d ever felt in my life. Less than. Not enough. Damaged. Broken. Weeks later, a good friend of mine let me borrow his MPC, I’d never had one...
... it was a new machine that I could dive into and take my mind off of the world.
That’s all I needed.
Driven by my want for revenge on the world for always doubting me, for having to always jump twice as high, I was determined to prove everyone wrong....
That’s all I needed.
Driven by my want for revenge on the world for always doubting me, for having to always jump twice as high, I was determined to prove everyone wrong....
I was even determined to prove the insecurity in ME wrong. The part of me that was more and more believing that I AM less than. I went HAM. Scarily HAM. I slept at the studio, was available when others weren’t, for every opportunity. When I wasn’t at Quad...
... I was using my connects to get into other studios to play beats for artists. Every day. I was racing against the world and the growth of my own self doubt... trying to hold on to believing in myself. I’m gonna make it. Well, it worked. That 6 month period changed my life...
I went from intern to Engineer... and was being flown around the country producing and engineering for artists. I’d gotten a few placements, earned/saved enough for a year’s worth of bills at my new apt, and had my own intern/assistants that I worked with...
... years later I realized that feeling of being less than started waaayyy before that break up. It had been there my whole life, and that was just the straw that sent me in the dark. But I can 100% say, that pushed an already driven me into light speed...
I believe it was then that I stopped being NeMo, and became IMAKEMADBEATS. The next year I signed 3 different record contracts... and kept building. I’ve always hesitated to tell this story, for fear that it’ll sound bitter. Plus, now I’m happily married.
Truth is, we were both young and figuring things out. I get it. And years later, honestly, I’m thankful for that nudge into super saiyan MAD. I took a whole bunch of negative feelings, and converted them into energy. Not a sustainable energy, but one that could propel me...
I saw @EnaEsco post something saying a focused 6 months can change your life. I agree. Lol.
The trick is, a lot of the things that can fuel you... at some point can and will begin to hurt you. The things that protect you can become the things that hurt you.
The trick is, a lot of the things that can fuel you... at some point can and will begin to hurt you. The things that protect you can become the things that hurt you.
But I’ll dive into that another time 
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