So as my Dad shared something on Facebook, so I feel its ok for me to write something: on POTUS’s the horrid comments, on why it seems no one there will say it on the record, on what I think it means, on the insanity of how people construct their rejections of this news...

This is going to start and end with talking about my sister.

The world of military institutions and ritual wasn’t one I knew much about until an IED blew up my sister Roz in Afghanistan in 2009.

I really, truly knew how important her service was to her—that she believed that by serving her country in the armed forces she could protect what she loved about the country and build a better future for the promise she wanted and saw in the country.

There’s a deep human need that most feel to attach a deep meaning to profound loss. Others feel a need to make sure you have that, I’ve found. Most people aren’t born naturally inclined to volunteer to die on roads 10,000 miles away from home.

Past the running joke that that she’d been radicalized at a young age by watching Top Gun (on Laserdisc, of course) too many times, it didn’t take long of being around Roz to get it. People rightly loved that about her: in St Louis, at the Academy, in the Air Force and beyond.

All institutions tell stories. This is not neither inherently good nor bad. I did not grow up around the military. The rituals around death are *extremly* powerful. It has been over a decade and there are people in my life, and many in my parents life, they did not know...

... when my sister was alive. Every single year since her death at least one new person has contacted me to tell me about what Roz meant to them. A decade later, it is absolutely incredible to think about the deep, deep kindness of so many.

Many of these have been incredibly powerful experiences of my life over the last decade. Incredibly fulfilling. And sometimes emotional, like the time I had to walk out of breakfast because an incredibly kind man was telling me nice things and I couldn’t hear them for...

... some reason and I cried for an hour and then feel asleep for four hours in exhaustion in a rental car the parking lot of the Dennys next to the Albany airport. I think its fair to say its even more true for my parents.

Note: this was a decade ago, I’m all good, worry not!

In real darkness, people can reach for ways to find deep meaning & growth & beauty in life. I really have seen and believe that. And also people come tell you all sorts of stuff — about vengeance, conspiracies, that you can bring down a whole horrible enterprise if you just...etc

I work in, or around, politics. I talk a lot. With a loss like her death, though, I felt deeply that I didn’t have much of a right to ever talk about politics and what her death might mean there. If anyone could claim anything like that of someone who was gone...

... it wasn’t me for her. In 11 years this is the first time I’ve posted ab her on anything that is anywhere near the political; it makes me uncomfortable to write this. The thought of saying “Roz would…” or on anything political feels profoundly minimizing to her existence...

Maybe it shouldn’t! I rationally know it wouldn’t necessarily be so, but it just saturated with a sense of exploitation. She was just really incredible; she died so, so, so young....

And look: the thought of any crass, off-handed comment that could dishonor that is not something I want! And compared to many in/around it, this wasn’t a world in which I inhabited and breathed. I’m, like, naturally a skeptical person, though an optimist!

And I share that to give a sense on my thinking, but because I think I’m not the only person who might share this sort of hesitation, which I get to below.

So I guess here are a few points (I know I know I talk a lot):

1) I dont know what words POTUS used in which instance, but he’s made clear his contempt. Calling those who served in war a sucker is abhorrent. He doesnt particularly care abt those willing to risk their lives in the military. He’ll attack anything & anyone when it suits him.

2) At this point, I dont think there is left to learn about his character. My dad said he’s really just most disappointed & shocked by the people who still choose to defend him, people my dad said he wouldnt have ever expected that from. That doesn’t mean this doesn’t matter tho

3) What the President has done and does is awful. It brings incredible pain to families who lost someone recently or decades ago. It is awful and should be disqualifying. And it absolutely can only happen because of those who enable this behavior...

... THAT is what this story is about — no one (in good faith) is questioning that this President is capable of this cruelty. No one. Nothing he was caught saying was worse than his public comments of the past. For another post is the question why people pretend otherwise.

4) And my last point to come back to where I started:

I bet that for people who have spent their entire lives deeply within these institutions, the sense that speaking out against the Commander-In-Chief on something so deeply sacred—truly sacred...

... as much as life itself in some ways—must feel like an impossible violation. I cannot imagine—despite seeing my parents lose a daughter—the depth of pain, the hole, the horror of losing a kid...

... To have spent a life as a Marine—or as the mother and wife of Marines and as someone who has spent a decade in service to comfort Gold Star families—and to see and hear this President of the United States...it’s horrible. Just about, entirely devastating...

And I will be honest; I can envision how you can tell yourself its not worth validating these claims, bc it will be incredibly painful for military families to hear verification of such vile comments from POTUS. That is a real pain. It is. This article *REALLY* hurts for many.

We all get caught to various extents by our surroundings & stories we tell each other. I think telling yourself that not speaking publicly brings comfort to families, or at least avoids more pain...that it might-wrongly!-be seen as taking license from someone gone...I get it.

So all that said, I think that is absolutely wrong. I just do. I find this conclusion absolutely inescapable.**

And it is entirely possible I’m wrong!

Either that people will speak out (I hope I am!) or that perhaps I’m wrong in how I’m seeing this whole thing.

But like...I think I’ve learned some stuff...

...But the idea that because people don’t want to run out and say “yes, this President said these things” doesn’t mean its not true is a fallacy, and absolutely everyone should know that.

Ok I’m going to try to bring this to a close:

I have lived and worked with people of all political persuasions my whole life. I’ve worked on presidential races, knowing that close friends and family would vote (and even work) for the other candidate. That’s how that goes...

This is not that. It is a deep, vile rot and no one has has to defend it.

He does not care about women and me, many barely too old to be called kids, who died in service to a country he is supposed to lead. He does not care about me. He does not care about you...

He would not have cared about Roz. He would not understand and he does not card to understand. And if you’re reading this, you are alive and have a choice to decide if that matters to you enough — or not.

Thanks.

**im also very aware of other silences and actions but this isn’t the post for that, as it’s way way too long already