The past week since my ADHD diagnosis (& the past few weeks since I realised how much I was being impacted by it) have been a massive rollercoaster of emotion. A lot of what I thought was true about myself wasn’t necessarily true, and things I did know were suddenly explained 1/

& it’s so strange to have those simultaneous experiences of relief and grief. I always thought I had such great self-insight, yet I got a masters in psychology without ever clueing up to having ADHD (despite learning about it!) but then it turns out that lack of self-awareness 2/

is also an ADHD thing (who knew?). Listening to audiobooks about ADHD (i always thought my inability to concentrate on reading was due to my Irlen syndrome, turns out it’s ADHD) and every time they describe what various diagnostic symptoms might look like in real life 3/

I’m just like “wow, that’s me! I do that!..f*ck that sounds annoying” and then I go back through situations from my life where I know stuff has happened, like that time in high school when I was enthusiastically talking about something and another kid i thought I was fine with 4/

said “would you STOP talking about yourself!!” It hurt at the time and made me try to change, but now I know that’s ADHD, we perpetually try to find a link to our own experience. I can’t turn this off. I look back at reports that said stuff like “Laura is smart, but she chats” 5/

or “Laura is intelligent and achieving but then disrupts her classmates” or “Laura is top of the class in x subject, but lacks tact” (also, it turns out, an ADHD thing). I remember finding a parent teacher interview form (my mum keeps everything) from a teacher who was the 6/

first taste I got of actually not being good enough no matter how much I tried. I couldn’t use my smarts to cover up that my handwriting was terrible (still is) and no amount of trying to please her could overcome this stuff. In the parent teacher interview she had commented 7/

on my poor attention in class, and put “hearing??” on the form. Immediately after, on the advice of my mum, it said “hearing fine”. I was 8. My mum would constantly be frazzled by my messiness, lack of organisation, and lateness (all ADHD), and with the many started projects 8/

that I would struggle to finish (or just never finish), and it turns out that is ADHD too. I could hyperfocus though when I wanted, so who would expect ADHD in a kid who would persevere until Commander Keen was clocked, or the BBC pride & prejudice was memorised word for word? 9/

By the time I was 6th form I was bored stiff of school, so left and went to uni a year early. I struggled, naturally, given that I have ADHD. I stuffed up friendships, due to my impulsive and tactless speech, and I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety when I couldn’t cope. 10/

Uni was hard, and I sucked with money (an ADHD thing) so I got a job in a pub which I enjoyed but which meant I would do the fun stuff (work all night) and not the boring stuff (8am lectures). I took an extra semester and got a pretty underwhelming Cish average BSc in zoology 11/

When my parents came to pick me up, they were appalled at the mess strewn about my room, I was so overwhelmed I hadn’t been able to tidy let alone pack, and despite that and the deep depression I thought was the reason, within 10 minutes of driving away from Dunedin, dad told 12/

me that I had 2 weeks once we got home to find a job and find a place to live, because my mum couldn’t cope with me (my parents have never seemed to like me all that much... probably due to how difficult a kid with undiagnosed ADHD must be to raise). Next step, poor decisions 13/

and being perpetually late to work, changing jobs relatively often, and those I stayed in, I either didn’t know how i was actually doing, or probably did a bit of a shit job, or I would speak up and say “this is the third time I’ve been given a more responsibility so maybe 14/

a pay increase might be fair now”. I was right... but I didn’t count on the bosses losing respect for me when I spoke up, no doubt without ADHD I might have managed this better. After that I decided to redeem myself for what always felt like my failure in study, so I started 15/

my GradDipSc in psychology, yet I still struggled to get the A+s that I fully expected I could achieve if I would just apply myself. Then the masters, and the 1 year thesis that took me 3 years to write and that nearly sent me over the edge, fueled by chain smoking and V 16/

During my studies, I also had my babies, and couldn’t keep anything organised or tidy. We lived (still live) in a state I am ashamed of, no amount of trying or planning or reading time management or decluttering books had helped. The overwhelm of life admin smothers me 17/

and we just never quite have managed to get off the bones of our bums financially (largely due to my ADHD meaning planning ahead is really unnatural to me, and that I’m a bit crap at follow through, and get distracted by new projects and ideas). Neurobiologically, my frontal 18/

lobes are underdeveloped. The places where I struggle are places where it’s an actual impossibility for me to change this through willpower. It’s like diabetes, where I’m going to need to learn daily management of this condition, so I can survive and thrive. I’m not lazy, 19/

I just have ADHD that was only diagnosed at age 36. Hindsight is powerful. I am a constant fidgeter, I’m impatient, i get overwhelmed by light and sound. Of course I have ADHD. How could I not have known? I’m not lazy, I have ADHD. I might be annoying, but now I know why <3 end/

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