not gonna lie I'm up to a vomit-inducing anxiety level rn and I'm not dealing with it well. sorry in advance for the long, whiny thread. This is gonna get heavy, so general content warning for depression and mental health issues.

I really, really try my best to do right for the people I care about. I take it hard when I mess up. But I have absolutely no clue what right is, so I have no idea what a mistake is. It's incredibly clear that I don't have the same sensibilities as pretty much anyone around me.

It gets to me. It makes me doubt myself, but I also can't just change the way I feel about things. It turns into a matter of trying to convince myself of things I don't really believe so that I can just fit in somewhat, or just be honest and be stuck with that constant doubt.

I honestly feel like a fucking alien. Like I've never actually related to another human being in my life. I desperately don't want to be alone but no matter how many people I surround myself with, I still feel alone, mad at myself because it makes me feel like a shit person

It really bothers me when I've upset someone because I never know if I've done the right thing, but I get mad at people and I don't feel right just letting them off the hook either. I do something, I feel bad, I do nothing, I feel bad.

I can't stop alienating myself from people, it keeps on happening, because I just can't relate to any of them. It's almost all people I don't like anyways, but it bothers me that I dislike so many people, and wind up disliked by so many people.

Not to say I hate everyone, far from it, there are people who I love and treasure and would do anything for. Trying to help them and keep them safe is why I get into half the conflicts I do anyways, but I don't really think they're like me.

I know I could just smash my skull on a rock and never have to worry about any of this again. If I weren't so scared of pain and chronically uncertain, this would all be an easy problem to solve.

Look, if anyone who's upset with me ever sees this thread, I hope you can at least gain some understanding of me from it. Whatever I did to make you hate me, I probably have no idea if I was right to do it, but I definitely hate myself for it as much as you hate me.

I doubt I've given more than a few of you much reason to care about me, and honestly? Don't. I'm just here for the catharsis of screaming into the void.

I think I'm done with this now, if I start vanishing from places or something, this is why. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.