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not gonna lie I& #39;m up to a vomit-inducing anxiety level rn and I& #39;m not dealing with it well. sorry in advance for the long, whiny thread. This is gonna get heavy, so general content warning for depression and mental health issues.
I really, really try my best to do right for the people I care about. I take it hard when I mess up. But I have absolutely no clue what right is, so I have no idea what a mistake is. It& #39;s incredibly clear that I don& #39;t have the same sensibilities as pretty much anyone around me.
It gets to me. It makes me doubt myself, but I also can& #39;t just change the way I feel about things. It turns into a matter of trying to convince myself of things I don& #39;t really believe so that I can just fit in somewhat, or just be honest and be stuck with that constant doubt.
I honestly feel like a fucking alien. Like I& #39;ve never actually related to another human being in my life. I desperately don& #39;t want to be alone but no matter how many people I surround myself with, I still feel alone, mad at myself because it makes me feel like a shit person
It really bothers me when I& #39;ve upset someone because I never know if I& #39;ve done the right thing, but I get mad at people and I don& #39;t feel right just letting them off the hook either. I do something, I feel bad, I do nothing, I feel bad.
I can& #39;t stop alienating myself from people, it keeps on happening, because I just can& #39;t relate to any of them. It& #39;s almost all people I don& #39;t like anyways, but it bothers me that I dislike so many people, and wind up disliked by so many people.
Not to say I hate everyone, far from it, there are people who I love and treasure and would do anything for. Trying to help them and keep them safe is why I get into half the conflicts I do anyways, but I don& #39;t really think they& #39;re like me.
I know I could just smash my skull on a rock and never have to worry about any of this again. If I weren& #39;t so scared of pain and chronically uncertain, this would all be an easy problem to solve.
Look, if anyone who& #39;s upset with me ever sees this thread, I hope you can at least gain some understanding of me from it. Whatever I did to make you hate me, I probably have no idea if I was right to do it, but I definitely hate myself for it as much as you hate me.
