Read on Twitter
I know I barely tweet anything but I need to get this out and not to just the same two or three people I always dump everything on. I think I& #39;m in so much emotional pain that I don& #39;t even realize how bad it is, and no I& #39;m not suicidal or anything like that but someone--
pointed out to me that they couldn& #39;t remember the last night I went without feeling like absolute garbage and they& #39;re right, I can& #39;t either. I can have a bad day, a good day, an amazing day, it never matters. It always ends like this, me overthinking and honestly probably--
making everything way harder for myself than I need to, but I don& #39;t know how to stop. During the pandemic my dad has asked me at the very least a dozen times if I wanted him to cut my hair and I say no every time. Tonight he was doing the back of my head since it was getting--
particularly messy which is totally fine to me! I trust him to make a straight line! But then he asked if I wanted him to do the sides of my head and before I could actually think about it he was grabbing for the comb and I just froze. I don& #39;t know why I froze, I could have--
just stopped him but I didn& #39;t. I ended up getting mad and later on asked him to please not do it again, but then I escalated the situation and I started snapping at him. I have a terrible relationship with him, I have for years, but he& #39;s not particularly bad to me, he just--
doesn& #39;t know how to handle or read people at all, his people skills are awful. I snapped and asked things like if he thought I was joking about all the times I said I don& #39;t want him to cut my hair. And the worst part is that it honestly doesn& #39;t even look too bad?--
No, I don& #39;t like how it looks but it doesn& #39;t look horrible, he cut less than I initially thought he did. But it& #39;s such a small thing!! This is such a small unimportant situation and it& #39;s literally what pushed me to make this thread! I& #39;m so tired of being this way--
I& #39;m always in pain. For so long I& #39;ve had to ask people if we we& #39;re going to be okay because I& #39;m so scared of my emotional health ruining my relationships, ANY kind of relationship, romantic or platonic or whatever it might be. And I& #39;m so painfully aware that--
asking that kind of thing all the time is more likely to cause harm than help, because yes it reassures me but it feels awful for who I ask that too because they& #39;re going to feel like I have no confidence in whatever we have. That& #39;s so untrue but that& #39;s how I make it sound.--
I& #39;m at a point where I& #39;m always scared of losing the people I love and I& #39;m the one pushing them away, I need help but therapy is so fucking expensive. I have a wonderful group of friends who always support me through everything but what I need is professional help--
But I can& #39;t afford that. The best I can do is get medication, and while I plan on doing that, it& #39;s not going to address the source of any of my problems. I feel like if i gave it a strong effort I could find ways to address this stuff on my own, but it& #39;s not that simple--
I feel no motivation to do anything. I don& #39;t feel motivated to address my problems because they& #39;ve been constant ever since middle school and I& #39;m a few years into college now. I had therapy before and while yes it did help me substantially as I& #39;m no longer suicidal--
I clearly was not in a position to stop going. But it& #39;s the money, my family isn& #39;t rich, they couldn& #39;t keep paying for therapy and I sure as hell cannot afford it responsibly right now. I do make a good income considering I don& #39;t live on my own yet, but that would absolutely--
drain my bank account. This year has been especially hard. I was already mostly someone who stayed at home but I liked having the choice to leave my house. No I& #39;m obviously not trapped here but I can& #39;t leave without fearing covid. I& #39;m very good about wearing my mask--
but I know that can& #39;t be foolproof, it isn& #39;t, nothing is foolproof. I can& #39;t go see my friends as much as I used to, I& #39;m trapped here in a shitty home situation where I& #39;m always shutting myself in my room because leaving it means subjecting myself to family bullshit,--
most of which is just my dad screaming about politics while licking Trump& #39;s shoes no matter what he says. He doesn& #39;t even support him for the right reasons, he just always goes to whoever the republican candidate is 100%, it& #39;s always been that way, he can& #39;t think for himself.--
I& #39;ll stay in my room and I can& #39;t tune him out without playing music really loudly due to the layout of the house, I hear literally everything he says when he raises his voice and sometimes even the music or even headphones aren& #39;t enough. I can& #39;t go back to live with my mom--
because that was the most toxic and emotionally scarring experience I& #39;ve ever had in my life. And I hope and pray that she won& #39;t read this somehow, my sister knows about my twitter account but I highly doubt she checks it, I just don& #39;t know. About my coping skills,--
I get too depressed and distraught to even go through with anything. I want nothing more than to be able to practice and get better at making music, but you guys can check my soundcloud, I haven& #39;t finished a single song in LITERALLY two years because I& #39;ve been dealing with--
these emotional struggles for so fucking long. I want to pull myself up but I can& #39;t, I don& #39;t know why I can& #39;t, I want to so bad but it just never happens. I& #39;m gonna end this here, I& #39;m very sorry to anyone who has been affected by this emotional state of mine, I& #39;m still holding on
