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I know I barely tweet anything but I need to get this out and not to just the same two or three people I always dump everything on. I think I'm in so much emotional pain that I don't even realize how bad it is, and no I'm not suicidal or anything like that but someone--
pointed out to me that they couldn't remember the last night I went without feeling like absolute garbage and they're right, I can't either. I can have a bad day, a good day, an amazing day, it never matters. It always ends like this, me overthinking and honestly probably--
making everything way harder for myself than I need to, but I don't know how to stop. During the pandemic my dad has asked me at the very least a dozen times if I wanted him to cut my hair and I say no every time. Tonight he was doing the back of my head since it was getting--
particularly messy which is totally fine to me! I trust him to make a straight line! But then he asked if I wanted him to do the sides of my head and before I could actually think about it he was grabbing for the comb and I just froze. I don't know why I froze, I could have--
just stopped him but I didn't. I ended up getting mad and later on asked him to please not do it again, but then I escalated the situation and I started snapping at him. I have a terrible relationship with him, I have for years, but he's not particularly bad to me, he just--
doesn't know how to handle or read people at all, his people skills are awful. I snapped and asked things like if he thought I was joking about all the times I said I don't want him to cut my hair. And the worst part is that it honestly doesn't even look too bad?--
No, I don't like how it looks but it doesn't look horrible, he cut less than I initially thought he did. But it's such a small thing!! This is such a small unimportant situation and it's literally what pushed me to make this thread! I'm so tired of being this way--
I'm always in pain. For so long I've had to ask people if we we're going to be okay because I'm so scared of my emotional health ruining my relationships, ANY kind of relationship, romantic or platonic or whatever it might be. And I'm so painfully aware that--
asking that kind of thing all the time is more likely to cause harm than help, because yes it reassures me but it feels awful for who I ask that too because they're going to feel like I have no confidence in whatever we have. That's so untrue but that's how I make it sound.--
I'm at a point where I'm always scared of losing the people I love and I'm the one pushing them away, I need help but therapy is so fucking expensive. I have a wonderful group of friends who always support me through everything but what I need is professional help--
But I can't afford that. The best I can do is get medication, and while I plan on doing that, it's not going to address the source of any of my problems. I feel like if i gave it a strong effort I could find ways to address this stuff on my own, but it's not that simple--
I feel no motivation to do anything. I don't feel motivated to address my problems because they've been constant ever since middle school and I'm a few years into college now. I had therapy before and while yes it did help me substantially as I'm no longer suicidal--
I clearly was not in a position to stop going. But it's the money, my family isn't rich, they couldn't keep paying for therapy and I sure as hell cannot afford it responsibly right now. I do make a good income considering I don't live on my own yet, but that would absolutely--
drain my bank account. This year has been especially hard. I was already mostly someone who stayed at home but I liked having the choice to leave my house. No I'm obviously not trapped here but I can't leave without fearing covid. I'm very good about wearing my mask--
but I know that can't be foolproof, it isn't, nothing is foolproof. I can't go see my friends as much as I used to, I'm trapped here in a shitty home situation where I'm always shutting myself in my room because leaving it means subjecting myself to family bullshit,--
most of which is just my dad screaming about politics while licking Trump's shoes no matter what he says. He doesn't even support him for the right reasons, he just always goes to whoever the republican candidate is 100%, it's always been that way, he can't think for himself.--
I'll stay in my room and I can't tune him out without playing music really loudly due to the layout of the house, I hear literally everything he says when he raises his voice and sometimes even the music or even headphones aren't enough. I can't go back to live with my mom--
because that was the most toxic and emotionally scarring experience I've ever had in my life. And I hope and pray that she won't read this somehow, my sister knows about my twitter account but I highly doubt she checks it, I just don't know. About my coping skills,--
I get too depressed and distraught to even go through with anything. I want nothing more than to be able to practice and get better at making music, but you guys can check my soundcloud, I haven't finished a single song in LITERALLY two years because I've been dealing with--
these emotional struggles for so fucking long. I want to pull myself up but I can't, I don't know why I can't, I want to so bad but it just never happens. I'm gonna end this here, I'm very sorry to anyone who has been affected by this emotional state of mine, I'm still holding on
