My semi-professional career, as I see it, has ran its course in my life.

It's been one hell of a journey to get here.

And that's okay.

(Issa thread)

While I am, admittedly, bitter about some of the ways things happened; I know that some of it was simply the chickens coming home to roost, per say. I deserved some of what I got, while other things, were simply done out of a silly lack of communication and understanding.

For those not entrenched in my personal life, and those that were lucky enough to not see the public display of the accounts, I was caught having an online affair. It went on for far too long, I'm not proud of my actions, nor do I hold any excuses.

However; I did not ever use my platform as a touring artist in any way, shape or form. The person involved in my infidelity was actually a very close friend; one that was *not* liked my those in my life at the time (for good reason, in some cases), especially by my ex.

Her and I knew each other a good time before I joined a band and had actually flirted in a playful fashion before my relationship started. The cheating part didn't happen for quite some time, but that's neither here nor there.

Following the very tough breakup; I was sunk into a very deep depression weighted with immense guilt and regret. My mental health was at an all time low and I attempted to take my life. Following this was a very dark and blurry time. I know that I threw myself into work and tour.

And drinking.

I had also become disillusioned with music and the constant grind tour had taken on my body and mind. I didn't love music anymore, but since it was all I had to feel normal, I stayed at it. The tour in the UK definitely rekindled a fire in me.

Unfortunately, in that very muddy time frame, I used Twitter as my online journal. Facebook was filled with too many people that would spread business, Instagram wasn't the correct platform for long form posts, so I ashamedly turned here.

I threw shade at many artists I was jealous of, and threw even more shade at artists I was jealous of out of sheer loyalty. The problem was, I threw the most shade at my friends/bandmates.

I disagreed with many goings on behind the scenes and felt undervalued and very sparsely heard. While that feeling was shared, I believe, among all of us; communication was....difficult. I was intimated and afraid that if I spoke my actual truth, I would lose a position I loved.

In hubris, my failure to see that opening up on Twitter combined with my lack of honesty about my feelings led to my departure from that position in a much worse way. I had also become vapid, argumentative and toxic; wrongfully trying to be heard in the worst way.

In between those two massive blows to my personal and private life; I had also foolishly lost a job that I dearly, and I mean dearly, loved. It was a perfect recipe to break my spirit completely. I stayed in bed for days, contemplated attempts at my life again and cried. A lot.

Thankfully I had an incredible support system in my family (especially my baby sister) and my friends. I also was fortunate enough to keep some friendships that I had made in my time on tour. I don't think I would've made it out without them strengthening my resolve.

As I healed; I leaned into finding my passion for music again, teaching myself to write purely for myself again with no pure intent on people hearing anything I do. I was also able to reach out to people in the industry and apologize,something I had felt compelled to do for years

So why go over all this? Why tred water into my toxic past, pointing out my adulterous actions and clarifying specifics that no one needs or know. That's exactly the point. I have lost friends and colleagues through this time, often much too recently.

Something that I was very proud of and worked hard at, that involved what I believed was a close friendship ended. Two reasons were given; using my platform as a touring artist to cheat (well over a year after the fact) and that things with the band didn't add up.

And they were right. It didn't add up.

But guess what.

That's our business.

Anyone that's asked me what happened, I've told vague truths, depending on how much I trusted them. I will not divulge anything more publicly than this thread because no one else has either. Even though I'm bitter, I do no hate or even dislike my former bandmates.

I want them to garner continued support, they deserve it. I removed them from my social media because certain things hurt more than just being asked to leave something you love. And a shared toxicity needed to be removed, for all of us.

So what's the point? Why talk about all this? Because at 28, being well traveled, doing things I once only dreamed of; I still don't know who I am.

And that's okay.

I don't like who I am. I hurt so many I loved deeply because I was hurting, that's not fair.

I want to like me, and it's only up to me to make those changes. If you want to cut ties over my past that you weren't involved with and business that isn't yours to dwell on; that's fine, but my business is just that. Mine.

I've been working on making changes and been very open about it. Those who wish to fault me for that, go ahead. I'm okay and happy for the first time in so long.

I love y'all and I actually want to thank my former bandmates. You pushed me into changes I was too scared to make.

Be kind.
Stand up relentlessly for your values.
Teach and be willing to be taught.
Love like today is your last.
Punch Nazis.
Black Lives Matter.
#Resist