18 minutes into m*lan.

this is so bad im glad i pirated it lmfao.

bro its sooooooooo fucking bad im like, trying to displace my idea of what animated mulan is

but holy shit. It's bad. It's so bad.

Pacing bad. CGI animals, terrible.

bro wtf is chi and why yall talking about it like a super power.

they ramped up old dad's 'im old and frail'-ness by like 1 thousand when the shorthand in the animated film was more than enough.

wtf phoenix??? is this supposed the be Fenghuang??? Because theyre not the same

as a standalone film so far it has the same pacing as a netflix movie.

but like one of those really not great ones.

Yo wtf. The Mulan taking her father's armor scene somehow lost every bit of gravitas it ever fucking had in the original.

this is so fucking annoying.

her parents discovering her missing has 0 of the drama.

her dad is actively just spinning narrative of "i didnt teach her how to be a proper concubine."

the evil lady in this wants to be regarded as a warrior with IMMENSE ~*CHI*~ and not as a witch.

Like how much more on the nose do you have to ram this into me.

BITCH THIS CGI PHOENIX IS WORSE THAN IF THEY JUST GOT US MUSHU.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK

oh shit its jimmy wng.

oh fuck donnie yen is fucking them all up now

i think this hot boy is supposed to be the shang replacement.......

mulan just walked into the chinese tent as imagined by white people equivalent of a men's locker room and saw some Wang if you know what i mean.

Donnie Yen please carry this movie.

Please I beg of you.

Also I guess jimy wng plays as Ling.

Mulan signs up for nightly guard duty to avoid dick.

immediately gets spooned upon returning home.

Funny haha moment when the guy turns around after she elbows him and cuddles with another dude.

Nah nah that's just the bois y we thinking this is funny.

THEY TOOK THE DISGRACE ON YOU, DISGRACE ON YOUR COW AND TRIED TO MAKE IT SERIOUS????????????????????????????????

THEY DONT SAY DISCGRACE ON COW???? BUT I ALMOST WISHED THEY DID.

"I WILL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU" SAID BUT NOT SUNG????????

THE PACING OF THIS IS SO BAD.............

SO FUCKING AWFUL........

jimy wong's character lookin at woodblock equivalent of porn

everyone getting just immediately good.

NOOO WAIT NO FUCKING WAY THEY'RE JUST GETTING INTO THE "GIRL WORTH FIGHTING FOR" BUT SPOKEN

Yao straight up going "I LIKE BIG TIDDIES" thats a mood.

Also who tf is this Shang replacement wtf fucking

Mulan giving shang replacement a 'how to talk to girls' pep talk.......

THEN HE CREEPILY STARTS SMELLIN HER AND CALLS HER STINKY.....

there is a sexual tension between these two as they enter a straight up spear sparring fight that's played like a jail courtyard fight.

mulan's the only one who can use her fuckin kenki gauge apparently.

Donnie Yen saw.

Everyone be commenting on how mulan needa take a shower.

here we go.

mulan naked in lake.

here's to thin--

sHANG REPLACEMENT GETTING IN THERE WITH HER........... NO FUNNY MOMENTS WITH YAO CHIEN PO AND LING I GUESS

MORE WEIRD SEXUAL HOMO SEXUAL TENSION. SHANG REPLACEMENT GOING IN THERE BUTT NAKED GOING "HEY LETS BE BROS." WHILE FLEXXING HIS PECS.

DAMN FELLAS IF A DUDE DONT DO THIS TO GET MY FRIENDSHIP FROM NOW ON WE ARENT FRIENDS.

Huns mad at the witch and questioning shaokhan about it.

but shao kahn drank 'idgaf about if ur a woman' juice and hopped up on "vengeance" vodka.

witch woman person": "i know now I am not a warrior but a slave"

shaokahn: "yup now go solo the next garrison looollll"

also I should mention they changed literally everyone's fucking names.

Donnie yen: "i know ur secret ping"
mulan: "u-uh."
donnie yen: "U HAVE SUCH IMMENSE CHI WHY HIDE IT LOL"

*montage about phony baloney Force magic like mysticisim*

DONNIE YEN: "swift as a coursing river force of a great typhoon, strength of a raging fire" *as reflections instrumental plays in background*

bro i hate it here.

BROOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HATE IT HEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

PLEASE STOP LIKE ROMANTICIZING ASIAN FIGHTING STYLES AS SOMETHING MAGICAL PLEASE GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

FUCK YOU IF YOU SPENT YOUR LIFE DEDICATED TO A MARTIAL ART ITS FAR EAST MAGIC BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

THIS ENTIRE ""EPIC"" MONTAGE SET TO AN INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "REFLECTIONS"

I HATE IT HEREEEEEE

okay the only legit cool shit is when the huns come thru and fuck up garrisons because the camera work is solid af.

like real nice.

"today you become MEN"

mulan, thinking she gonna finally get her T: *gasps*

"SOLDIER'S VOW! LOYAL! BRAVE! TRUE! REPEAT!"

*mulan stumbles on true because we gotta straight up telegraph everything to you.*

mulan: donnie yen i have to tell u something

donnie yen: its k hey listen ur great wanna marry my daughter hahahah

mulan, her lesbian ass sweating: ahahahaaa,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

oH FUCK IS NED FUCKING CHIEN PO LMFAO I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE HAHAHAHAHHAA

THEM LOOKING AT ALL THE DEAD BODIES LITERALLY NOT MATTERING OR HAVING THE SAME FUCKING WEIGHT AS IN THE ANIMATION...............

MY GODDDDDDDDDD

HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UPPPPPPPPPPP

jk ned from spider man isnt chien po he just looked like him in that one shot

hm i kinda like this campfire scene where theyre all gathered around and trying to talk about the impermanence of life and how theyll all look out for each other while mulan trembles at the thought of battle.

thats nice. That's a good scene.

Oh btw, the huns have ninjas.

like straight up ninjas.

These mfkers really have the entirety of the disney buidget and they cant even make a convincing war scene.

i would rather watch that game of thrones at night battle scene over this rn.

They like straight up fucked this.

remember that feeling you had as a kid, when you saw the hun army CHARGING down a mountain and like there were LIKE HUNDREDS OF THEM? against like, 17 of them?

imagine that in a horizontal shot in the most boring open plain you can think of and there's now 17 huns vs 100

MULAN JUST PULLED A NEO FROM THE MATRIX AND BULLET TIME DODGED THOSE ARROWS

All of mulans friends died to Mongolian Ninjas.

Send tweet.

Mulan chased the hun ninjas solo into a concept environmental artist's wet dream and got hit by the hot witch lady hawk.

two girls having a really lesbian moment where witch holds her arm behind her back and whispers 'liar' into her ear all seductive like.

"ur lies make ur chi weaker" BITCH WHAT ARE THE RULES FOR UR IMAGINED FORCE POWERS??????????

Maybe not a fair criticism, The soldier's vow probably is how chi power works.

still not fucking cool.

mulan, i shit you not, is saved from the hun ninja star to her fucking chest by her fucking thomas jefferson miku binder

narrator: "oh but ping DID die, you see... BECAUSE LIKE SPIRITUALLY? HE DIED. AND LIKE... MULAN GOT TO REMOVE HER BINDER AND ACCEPT HERSELF AS A WOMAN WHO IS ALSO STRONG."

im about to ask for a refund for this pirated mo--

THE FUCKING POHOENISXX IS RIGHT NEXT TO HER SAS HSEH FPULLS OUT THE NINJA STAR FUCK YOUR FORCED SYMBOLISM IM GONNA KILL A BITCH

WHOIOOO ISSS THAT GIRLLL I SEEEEEE STRIPPING OFF HER ARMORRRRR AS A SYMBOLIC IMAGEEEEE LETTING DOWN HER HAIIIIRRRRRRRRR

omfg social distance war scene............. have you ever seen this shit.......................

let me tell you.... that a successful war scene, is claustrophobic enough to invite the chaos of battle, to be immersed into it. LEt's think of like.... LotR for example. Lots of close up shots lots of bodies everywhere....

really puts you into it.

THIS???? THIS RIGHT HERE???

THAT IS LIKE YOUR TEACHER WAS LIKE "okay class pick a partner."

AND YOU TRY TO CONVINCE HER THAT YOU CAN HAVE 3 PEOPLE IN UR GROUP LIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

THIS ENTIRE WAR SCENE. BY THE WAY. THE ENTIRE WAR SCENE....

SET TO REFLECTIONS.

PEOPLE DYING TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA

also mulan likes to do this fucking movie, where she spin kicks a spear mid air into the ground like it's the coolest shit ever and almost as if Po Kung Fu panda hasnt fucking already DONE IT

(not exact scene but still)

BRO WHY DOES MULAN HAVE PERFECT EYELINER NOW.

LIKE SHE GALLOPING BACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT AFTER HAVING HER BINDER STABBED INTO AND JUST CASUALLY APPLYING STILA EYELINER ON HER HORSE AND CURLING HER HAIR???

BITCHH!!!!! THE AUDACITY!!!! THE GALL!!!!!!!!!!

WTF DO YOU MEAN I STILL HAVE TO WATCH 49 MINUTES OF THIS

MULAN BODIES LIKE 2 DUDES AND THEY START RUNNING AWAY AND DONNIE YEN JUST OLD MANNING AROUND TH-

did that witch just turn into a bunch of bats................

there's a really bad joke in here somewhere that im gonna see white people make about bats and how this is now stopping the chinese army. buuuuuuuuuut....

everyone making a phalanx and getting shit on by siege weapons in an open field.

Mulan: aite well ima somehow get on my horse and gain the high ground on you guys and rain arrows at yall

how.

like. how.

we wanna talk about plotholes. this is one of them.

How does the Hun army see someone get on a horse and just take the long way round up the mountain behind them and then get surprised when they're getting FUCKED

Mulan: im clever and took like 3 helmets to set up to use as decoys.

huns: *shoots a giant siege weapon at her*

huns: *misses*

Disney: oh man people are gonna be pissed if we dont do the avalanche scene huh.

Wow. Cool avalanche scene.

I should probably tell you that the geography of where they WERE fighting was brown plains.

then they get to the mountain's BASE.

they somehow fire a siege weapon HIGH ENOUGH to start the avalanche.

it's not a rocket btw.

it's a flaming boulder.

Shang replacement being swept away in the snow.

Mulan doing that one scene now.

god this movie is so fucking unfun.

if she fucking kisses him back to life im quitting.

oop he actually might just actually be fucking dead wow if they kill off the shang character im actually gonna be really impressed and im gonna take it all back

wait. im confused. did jmy wong die or

okay i think it was jimy wong that died i had to go back and check

mulan: im not ping im mulan
donnie yen: dude u cant marry my daughter anymore
mulan: god dammit.

okay they dont try to kill her.........................

mulan wanted to be executed instead..........................

she walks away.............

there's such a fucking weird like... dissonance?

Like the pacing and everything is so weird.