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I have not been completely honest. I want to preface this by saying that it was never my intent to lie, or mislead anyone. I had no intent to deceive or trick. But now I must be honest. After months of hiding for my safety and wellbeing, I must stop. I am not a biological female.
I want to say first: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying about myself to everyone. I’m sorry for keeping my true self hidden. I’m sorry for giving you false perceptions of me. I’m sorry for lying about my sexuality. I’m sorry for all the clout that I’ve gained because of it. I’m sorry
I never wanted any of this. I never wanted to device such a large group of people. I never wished to become known for something I’m not. All I ever wished for is a place where I can express myself and be myself in the way I envision myself to most truly be, free from judgement.
Biologically, I am male. I am a boy. I have XY chromosomes. I have a male body. But there is a disconnect between my body and my mind. I suffer from gender dysphoria. For those unaware, the way gender dysphoria is most commonly described is like being born into the wrong body.
It’s when you perceive yourself as the opposite gender that you were born as. And what comes with that is a plethora of mental problems. Intense self hate, hopelessness, depression, emotions so strong that they’re beyond description. I am not comfortable as a boy.
I have always struggled with this. I remember before I ever even cared about religion the only thing I ever prayed for was that one day I would wake up and God would make me a girl. I was always captivated by and attracted to the idea of femininity. I felt like it was the true me
And it’s gotten progressively worse throughout my life. It’s existed for as long as I can remember, worsening and worsening by the year. After years and years of living a life and being perceived in a way you hate, you begin to crack. You start to go crazy.
I had no outlet to be myself. I had to put on a mask for everyone I saw. I had to pretend to be comfortable with this role I had been given, in a body that made me sick. I had to deny myself to keep in check.
It’s like having to deny yourself water for your entire life. It’s not even a life, really. You just exist, in pain. And even the slightest drop is enough to fulfill you for weeks. It was everywhere around me, so many people I wanted to be like, just to know their experience.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t be perceived the way I wanted to be perceived. I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to express myself. I couldn’t be myself at all, I could barely be. The only true joy I found in life was taking myself out of it and imagining myself as a girl.
All this pain builds up inside you like a volcano ready to burst, all this energy goes to waste, all these emotions make you go insane. I couldn’t stand the thought of continuing my life as I had been doing. I couldn’t stand the thought of being a man.
I have an affliction to masculinity. I have an affliction to men. I don’t feel comfortable being around them let alone having to live my life as one. I couldn’t bare that. It got to the point where doing or experiencing anything remotely feminine was world changing.
Even the small things were enough to make me euphoric. Choosing female characters in video games, watching traditionally girly movies, even just shaving my foot was enough to make me feel happy beyond belief and gave me true hope for a better future.
I knew that expressing myself in that way was the only way to make me happy. So I did the only thing I could, by the anonymity of the internet I became who I wanted to be. Sabrina.
I first made a YouTube account in my new name and started my new personality by continuing to do what I did before, namely arguing with people in comment sections about religion. Nothing much has changed, not my mannerisms, nor my words, just my name, and by extension my gender.
I felt fulfilled, I felt free, I felt like me. And a month after that I made a Twitter account, in May of 2019. And here it is. I only ever used it to do the same, just argue politics and religion, but eventually I came across Catholic Twitter.
This huge community of people my age serious about their Catholic faith just as I was. I was interested. I lurked for months and months. Terrified to even follow anyone out of fear of being noticed. But little by little I built up the confidence.
I started to follow people, and some even followed back. I started liking and retweeting and even replying to some of their tweets. And they accepted me, they had no previous judgement of me, and I was anonymous, I could be myself. Finally, after a lifetime of waiting. I was me.
It was about May of 2020 at this point. After being noticed a few times and going crazy when someone actually interacted with me for the first time, I decided i wanted to have a greater presence. With about 50 or so followers at the time, I just started tweeting.
Barely anyone saw, but eventually some did. And I started to make some friends. Then one day, it happened. I had a tweet that began to blow up, one that I’ll link. This changed everything, this led to me getting 100 followers, then 200, then more and more. And I made friends. https://twitter.com/sabrina_verita/status/1274110924694130689">https://twitter.com/sabrina_v...
I’ve gotten to know all of you, and I’m so thankful that I have. You’ve all shown me such love and support and I cannot thank you all enough. You’ve all made me feel alive, and worthy, and myself, and finally at peace. But I didn’t expect it to get this far. I’ve lied to so many.
So this is my story. I am me. I don’t know where I’ll be going from here, all I ask is that you continue to show me your love, and try to understand my situation. Once again, I’m sorry. I never wanted to lie to any of you. But I felt so happy because of who I was seen to be.
I know many of you will unfollow or block me, I know many will feel betrayed, I know many may have already suspected it. But here I am. This is why I haven’t shown my face and been so hidden. This is why I am often so depressed. This is me. Is my identity a sin? Possibly.
Should I have done what I did? Maybe not. Am I now open to more honesty and will be changing some things? Most certainly. Am I truly deeply sorry from the bottom of my heart? Yes. I don’t know where to go from here. All I know is that I will follow God wherever he leads me.
And if that means leaving this identity behind, so be it. The Lord knows my path and I will follow it. I hope I’ve offended no one. I hope you all understand. And I hope God is with you always. And remember that I love you. Each and every one of you. Thank you. I’m sorry. 
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