My sister and I were discussing toxic people and it reminded me of the worst wedding I have ever been to.

Buckle up, folks!

Backstory: Bride was hubs’ best friend. For some reason, however, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Apparently hubs was supposed to be a groomsman, but both bride and groom “forgot” to ask him. Once they realize this, they make him an usher so he doesn’t have to rent a tux. Ok...

Week before the wedding, bride expresses displeasure that no one has offered to help w/ her DIY wedding. We all have full time jobs and live at least an hour away. We did not know she needed help. Friend 1 is a saint, rents a car, drives up early Saturday. Hubs and I dgaf.

We show up an hour before rehearsal. Hubs is put to work painting signs. I am sent to assemble bouquets. Groom’s sister is tanning. MoH is MIA. Bride is showering.

Both our tasks are eventually REDONE after the rehearsal bc bride is not satisfied with our work.

Did I mention this wedding is on the coast of Maine? In May? Saturday, luckily, is sunny and high 80s. Forecast for Sunday is 100% rain. All these signs we’re painting are for lawn games. When it’s definitely going to rain.

Rehearsal starts late. Wedding party is there, bride and groom are not. Wedding planner is actually a college friend who should have been a bridesmaid. Power goes to her head. Rehearsal takes twice as long as it should because she’s mad at all of us for not taking it seriously.

Bride’s mom enthusiastically introduces hubs to everyone as bride’s best friend. Then me as “her roommate who married him”. Did I mention she doesn’t like me? Not for the first time I question why I am here.

Dinner is delicious Greek food from a local restaurant. Leftovers are plentiful. Groom’s brother offers to take them to local shelter. Mother of groom says, “this was a $700 meal. I’m not donating it.”

Bride and groom play in pool with groom’s little cousin. Wedding planner keeps mentioning they need to go to Home Depot before it closes at 10 to buy pallets for the dance floor. For the wedding. That is TOMORROW.

Pallets are finally bought. We are all instructed to paint it. In our rehearsal clothes. While bride and MoH drink wine on the roof and watch. We run out of paint midway through. It’s been 8.5 hours. Hubs and I peace out to our hotel. Friends later fake asthma attack to leave.

Fun fact: Groom’s brother is having a DIY wedding in another 2 months. However, they’ve already finished everything. Like normal people.

There are 12 hours until the wedding and neither bride nor groom have written their vows.

Best friend/fellow bridesmaid is allergic to at least two types of flowers in her bouquet.

Sunday pre-wedding. Friend adds 6 packets of sugar to her tea because “today is not a day for moderation”. Ladies go to a house to get ready. Hubs is sent to the wedding site solo, because his job as unappreciated usher is now apparently to set everything up.

Bride, Groom’s sister, and MoH are getting ready downstairs with a professional makeup artist and hair stylist. There is not time or room enough for all of us. The rest of us get ready in a child’s bedroom upstairs. We have much more fun.

Meanwhile, at the wedding site:
•Power cords aren’t long enough to set up the sound table
•No one brought screws for the dance floor
•There are no trash cans
•It’s raining
•Hubs’ dad happens to have a drill in his truck and is helping with the dance floor

Bride is late to the ceremony. Guests are taking turns screwing in the dance floor. Bridesmaids and I have consumed almost all the secret alcohol I have hidden in my bra.

Wedding is surprisingly beautiful. But it is FREEZING and Groom’s dad just...doesn’t...show...up? We have no idea why. Parents are still married

Bridal party minus us sane people run off to play in the rain. No instructions are left. Guests have finished eating. There is one cake per table. We start eating ours. Apparently we were supposed to wait for the bride and groom to come through and cut all the cakes.

Speeches finally start, but never end. 2+ hours after ceremony has ended, dancing finally starts. Music is wonky, so 2/3 through the first dance they decide to redo it. It’s the world’s longest song.

Waitstaff is soaked to the bone. They are passing a pot of hot water between them in an attempt to stay warm. I’m wearing my FIL’s fleece jacket.

Guests all leave. As does groom’s family. There is no one left to clean everything, save the bride and groom, wedding planner, and saint friend.

Their one splurge was compostable plates. Which all get tossed in the trash.

Moral of the story: Do not agree to be in a wedding because you feel bad the bride has no other friends.

She and I have not spoken since that day.