Several people told @reeshistory and me that "The 300 Spartans" is a better movie than "300" and we should watch that instead.

Really, though?

Let's see how it do. #HATM

"A turning point in history, where 300 Greeks gave their lives for their freedom... AND OURS"

Happily just showing the modern Akropolis, I mean what's the dif

Opening credits note:

MILITARY ADVISER: Major Cleanthis Damianos

Be kind, Major Damianos, we have a long march ahead

Lovely shots of the Caryatids, notably not there at the time

We are treated to a second introduction, now written: apparently a "slave empire" was coming to crush "the only stronghold of freedom still remaining"

At least the Persians in this film know how to march in formation

Here's Xerxes played by a white dude from Essex. But hey, at least Mardonios is here!

Fucking love Mardonios.

"Bring him here."

* guards move the prisoner 3ft *

Funny how they turned Demaratos the turncoat Spartan king into a captured Spartan spy. Of course no Spartan would willingly choose to join the Persians!

Aww, that one Immortal is stroking the horse's nose to keep it calm. Xenophon salutes you

Huh, it turns out Demaratos is also, separately, here

Saying none can match Leonidas for military skill and devotion (we are citing Diodoros now)

Demaratos actually fights an Immortal now, instead of saying he doesn't count himself for much (as he does in Herodotos). Goofy flynning ensues

WHAT IS EVERYONE WEARING TONIGHT

"Once again, Demaratos, you've succeeded in spoiling my dinner."

Artemisia is in the tent ladies and gentlemen.

Artemisia smack talking Demaratos is the non-Herodotean content I am here for

Apparently Xerxes and Artemisia are lovers???

Getting the feeling that this movie may have done a lot to inspire the 300 movies

Themistokles gives a boring speech about Marathon.

Other councillor: "There's no time for history now!"

Damn right, you Bercow lookalike.

"The whole of Asia is descending upon us!"

"These men are fierce, savage, bloodthirsty, merciless!"

We are citing oracles now

Much talk of "Far-seeing Jove"...

Next to speak in this interminable council scene: King Leo-KNEE-das of Sparta

Wondering if his American accent is an attempt to mirror Attic/Doric Greek

"The Persians are moving like a plague of locusts"

Apparently Thermopylai was chosen as the site of the battle because Leonidas and Themistokles spotted it on a relief map of Greece.

"No Greek will fight until he sees the Spartans march. Actually march, you know. Hrm-hrm. Flutes and red cloaks!"

I see Themistokles is a bit of a fanboy

I should note at this point that everyone in this movie is chewing the scenery like it's made of souvlaki

Back at the court of Orientalism, the extremely blonde Hydarnes reports:
"I've had word that the Greeks have evacuated the whole of Thessaly!"

This Thessalian erasure will not stand

Xerxes, being told about Thermopylai:

"I'm in no mood for geography!"

Solid comic relief

No one cares about the "is Grellos/Phylon a traitor" subplot

Phylon has been exercising "with spear, sword and javelin," like no Spartan ever.

"I love you, Ellas."

ΕΛΛΑΣ intensifies

"I want you too, Phylon."

Ellas is thirsty af

These young people in love are very cute, let's never mention that Spartan marriages were between 30-year-old men and 18-year-old women

Queen Gorgo in the hizzouse

She actually said "e tan e epi tas" in Greek! Plutarch is pleased. Our suspension of disbelief is shattered.

Helpfully, Ellas TRANSLATES THE GREEK because an onlooker doesn't know what it means

"We have no common cause with empty talkers of Athens and their sinful ways"

Do I spy an allusion to Athenians as... dare I say it... boy-lovers?

Incidentally we have been in Sparta for 10 minutes and of course, not a helot in sight.

Not much age difference between Gorgo and Leonidas there. In fact, Leonidas married his niece Gorgo with about a 33-year age gap; at the time of Thermopylai, he was 60, she was about 27

"To a Greek, no part of Greece is far away"

It's a real struggle to cut out all the bits of Herodotos refuting this line

Oh, Queen Gorgo is thirsty af also

This is the largest amount of monumental stone architecture ever associated with Sparta

"The army must march at once, there is no time to lose."

You have been talking for 35 minutes

Going with full Archaic kit here, bell cuirass and all, a solid century off the mark

"you will surrender your war cloak to the officer on duty"

You may have to fill in a form

Gorgo and Ellas rehearsing some lines from Plutarch

Spartans are said here to be allowed to march only after the Karneia. When Leonidas left, the festival hadn't started yet. The Karneia story was a retroactive excuse for the fact that the Spartans had sent far too few men.

Gorgo is still really keen for Leonidas' doru

All this stuff about the law allowing him to take 300 men is just nonsense. Where does that idea even come from? 300 is just a recurring number for task forces in Greek warfare

And now, here's this dude on a rock

"300 men, to stand against the whole of Asia."
"No... 301."

No, more like 6000, possibly a lot more. For fuck's sake.

"AND ALL SPARTANS"

At least 10 of them are just aulos players, playing metal auloi for some reason

Wait, one of them is just an old guy in a chiton?

Maybe that's Megistias

Idyllic fishing scenes

"Someday I may enter religion myself. It's better than politics."

This is the most un-Greek thing I have ever heard

Finally some Thespians in this movie.

You see, it works both ways

"Leave some for the rest of us, hahahaha"

"hahahaha"

War: it's a hoot.

"Truth is a heady wine, friend. A politician must never exaggerate the people's capacity for it."

"I don't know why you're all so tired, I've mostly been sitting around"

Also: 52 minutes into the movie ^

Phylos and Ellas are still around by the way, not that anyone was asking

Shouting Ephialtes 3 times just to make sure we're all awake for this. To be honest it's not a wasted precaution

Ellas is very weak and ill now and needs assistance. DO YOU SEE WHAT WE DID HERE

Oh my god, the first mention of slavery in Greece is the suggestion that Ephialtes (a brutish shepherd) "may be a runaway slave"

"Look, between those two hills"

*painted backdrop*

Acting like nobody knows about or still uses the Anopaia path... It was literally used a decade earlier by the Thessalians to turn the pass

"We will use our special tactics for close-in fighting"

First, we are told the path is a way around the mountain "from the north". No it isn't. The pass runs west to east. The path bypasses it from the south.

"Xerxes has men in millions. We have Greeks."

So does he, though

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING: BATTLE EDITION

Mardonios is here to sort shit out, oh yeah

Of course the movie has invented several new cruelties for Xerxes, or we wouldn't believe he was truly evil

Ah yeah, it's Night Raid on the Persian Camp time! Some very nice Special Forces action here from the Diodoros school of totally just making shit up

1:06 into this movie, the first Spartan is killed (during the dawn raid). We've also just had our first, blink-and-you'll-miss-it fight scene

I guess you can kill a Persian by lightly shoving him

WHAT ARE THESE SHIELDS

Oh god, that Spartan is not even dead.

Oh, in this movie the straggling Spartan actually does get to join the 300! Hurray!

Mardonios: "Panic started amongst the conscript savages"

Chaos and draconian measures in the Persian camp. Meanwhile, time for another idyllic exchange between Phylon and Ellas!

Ellas actually making a lot of sense here, arguing for a life of peace over the Spartan nationalist death cult

Ooh, they're doing the "message hidden under wax" thing and connecting it to Gorgo! Nice Hdt reference

This movie makes a nonsense of Spartan policy regarding the war, pretending they were secretly deciding to fortify the Isthmus and leaving Leonidas in the lurch

Spartans hogging the front line, Diodoros style

Apparently the Spartan plan is to draw up in a single rank and defend a position that is already covered from high ground on the flank

If you're gonna commit suicide-by-Persian you gotta do what you can to help them I guess

Xerxes actually pronounces Leonidas correctly

1:18 into the movie. The fight commences!

I think I saw these tactics in Red Cliff (2007)

If you didn't follow any of that (hilarious) battle scene, here's Swedish Hydarnes to explain it to you!

"Then he attacked!" - Hydarnes, commander of the Immortals, a Welshman

"The Spartans fight like machines!"

wait.

what?

STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS

Christ, he said molôn labe in Greek and then translated it himself.

Ah yes, chariots, famously a feature of the battles of the Persian Wars

THE GREEKS HAVE ARCHERS! WHERE DID THESE ARCHERS COME FROM???

I MEAN THEY OBVIOUSLY ACTUALLY DID BUT THIS MOVIE SPENT THE WHOLE TIME PRETENDING THEY DIDN'T

The Immortals going into action now, all black armour, ominous music

Leonidas uses Javelins - it's super effective!

There might be a lesson in there for the Greeks!

This scene is just the Old Guard at Waterloo isn't it

Spartans in combat immediately lose all cohesion but lack the supernatural ramping skills of 300. Persians are definitely going to win this one

Immortals are vulnerable to fire, apparently

Update: Persians did not win this one

Ah, of course Ephialtes also assaults women

Artemisia is here to tell you that the battle of Artemision is actually also happening! @reeshistory get in!

"It was a dar day when the first woman came into this world"

That's sexist.

(Also, not the first time this movie drops some casual sexism)

Movie now pretending that Xerxes actually got to the point of ordering a general retreat because of the 300 Spartans, lololol

Literally withdrawing to Persia and starting over

Save scumming like only the Great King can

Xerxes is consistently the only one who can pronounce "Leonidas"

Some lovely scenes of Immortals strolling through shrubs. At least someone is having a nice day out

"The message you carry today will buy centuries of freedom for Greece"

Thespians declaring they will stay is the nicest moment in this movie

Hydarnes: "I wish I had men like that fighting for me"

Later Persians: "you know you can buy them, they're not even rare"

Themistokles is back now, actually on land at the pass on the morning of the defeat

"But I must be with the fleet, when it fights again at Salamis"

I guess it's canon for Themistokles to be able to see the future

Ships with "Persian markings on their sails" were definitely not a thing, by the by

Aww, no manly hug between these two?

"Fall into ranks!"

What

Spartan. Infantry. Wedge.

I feel like I am becoming dumber just watching this

Spartans are totally surrounded by infantry and cavalry. Persians definitely going to win this one

It is genuinely not clear how the Spartans are winning in close combat, given their equipment is essentially the same as that of the Persians

Immortality update.

Immortals: Immortal
Leonidas: not immortal

To the movie's credit there are actually still a few archers (presumably helots) present at the end

Mardonios playing the voice of reason as usual

Xerxes: "Finish them with arrows!"

Immortals: wait, that was an option? what the fuck?

There are definitely some tower shields in that pile

"This last message of these heroes rallied the Greeks to victory"

"An example to free people throughout the world, what a few brave men can accomplish once they refuse to submit to tyranny"

Update: Persians have won this one.

There are no other victors here. This movie is a dull racist slog. Please don't watch it.