Does everyone have that one case that haunts them?

I do

Is it normal to think back on a case even years later? Or for it to affect you?

(A THREAD)

To put it into context this occurred whilst working in a rural hosp in South Africa. 350 inpatient beds, >150pts/ 24hrs to A&E/OPD w/ 4-9 of us doctors in total

The oncall shifts are 30 hrs & 15hrs of those are alone in A&E overnight. There is no shoulder of support to lean on.

The circumstances are important as they change the way you work. You’re almost purely on “survival mode”.

You don’t let the reality of the suffering you’re seeing sink in because u need to cope to get through.

A few cases that really got to me but one in particular stands out

It was a horrific child sex abuse case that came to me in A&E. I can’t convey how truly heartbreaking it is seeing the pain & confusion in an innocent child’s eyes. The grief in the parents’ faces.
My doctor mask slipped & I admit feeling a little broken.

I had a full A&E so needed to press on. I move on to the next patient sitting on the bench.

It was the paedophile that carried out that heinous attack.

I was stunned and horrified. It felt as if the floor had moved under me. I felt physically sick.

He had come in as some people in the village had beat him.

After being filled with repulsion at what he had done, how do I now face him?
How do I muster up the strength to care for him?
I felt so helpless.

I knew my duty was to treat him. I didn’t have a choice. I did it because I had to not because I wanted to. But I felt like a robot, devoid of compassion. I didn’t feel like a doctor.

Their faces are all burned into my memory and I don’t think it will ever leave me.

It is easy to care for those who are suffering. Much harder to care for those who are the cause of it.

This is not a thread about professional duty. That is clear.

This is about we as humans cope when the doctor mask is stripped away. I don’t think we talk about it enough, but we need to.