First there was Barnes

Then there was… um… Barnes

But now, we need a revolution

Comrades. There is only ONE essential to start the season with

IT’S THE MOTHER FUCKING CHE-TRAIN PEOPLE!!

In association with @fpldoodles1

Light the cigars and dive in {@CheAdams_THREAD}

Che Zach Everton Fred Adams – the guy has more names than Joelinton has career Newcastle goals.

@johnsmithspurs says “he’s named after my favourite Argentinean Marxist revolutionary, that should be enough reason on its own, surely?”

Let’s be honest, it’s probably not… STATS!

We’re looking at post restart stats here people? Why? Because it’s the best barometer we have for most (not all) teams to assess the new season. Saints famously changed their system mid season to the 4-2-2-2 we now know and love (more on that later). Adams is key to this.

Of the 7m and below crowd, only Jay Rodriquez, Antonio and DCL had more shots. 18 in total, with a conversion rate of 22% - which is pretty sustainable given the quality of chances he was afforded and his returning confidence.

DCL's conversion rate was 0%. Also sustainable

Touches in the box? 34. Nobody bettered that in the <£7m bracket bar Welbeck, who is no longer in the league, and Giroud, who may as well not be.

Chris Wood only had 24. Greenwood 26. Pukki 11.

Eleven? Fuck me did Norwich even want to stay up?

One of these heatmaps shows a man who is hunting down the ball and getting in the box like a fox. One of them shows someone wandering around like a lost sheep.

You decide.

His xG from open play (man even typing that feels like a stretch) is 2.67. That’s better than Ings. It’s better than Mane. It’s better than Wood, Son, Mahrez, Jimenez, DCL, Firmino. It’s better than any <£7m forward bar Antonio & Giroud.

Poor Giroud.

Enough stats, let’s know a bit more about Adams the man. Leicester born, he shot to fame in 2015 after bagging 11 goals/9 assists in 16 games for Ilkeston and became the “most in-demand player in non-league football” – he moved to Sheffield, where heroes are forged in steel.

Birmingham followed where a 22-goal season alerted Saints. He moved last summer and started the campaign like an… absolute wet balloon. But Adam’s luck and form changed after this moment of pure instinct.



From there… he has been a player transformed.

He’s an absolute baller isn’t he. Watching him glide across the turf is like a lion in its prime sweeping majestically across the plain to bring down a wildebeest with one leap.

He is David Attenborough’s favourite player. This is absolutely true.

@johnsmithspurs is already sold. Let’s quickly interview him

“I first saw him when his late brace in the 2015 League Cup Semi almost knocked us (Spurs) out. The love affair started then. He thrives in a top 2 (Sharp, Jutkiewicz & now Ings). The Hutch knows the best for him”

“Adams is in his prime. He’s only just 24 and has a manager that believes in him. He’s quick as a hare, strong as bear and is the same height as Sergio Aguero. Even if he doesn’t start, he’ll come off the bench. Imagine him against a tired Tyrone Mings”.

Just fucking imagine.

So… those fixtures? Pretty fucking sweet eh. He’s gonna start and he’s gonna bang from the off. That’s the CHE-TRAIN in no way actually accountable promise.

Palace. A team who have a worse post covid record than the Tories.

Spurs. Just a documentary series.

Burnley. They have 7 fit players.

West Brom. West Brom.

Chelsea. Adams running at Grandad Silva? OH IT IS ON PEOPLE.

Everton. Michael Kean is their first-choice defender. Let that sink in.

Aston Villa. Lads…

Newcastle. You’ve already got him, haven’t you? You're doing it.

I mean… his arms are bigger than the entire torso of Mason Greenwood

STILL not convinced that you should spend just £6m on him??

Well let’s bring in Southampton expert and all-round top lass, @lucyhighnett

“Post-GW13, Saints were transformed by a switch to 4-2-2-2, Long became Ings' partner and Adams was almost sold in January…”

“Impressing RH in lockdown, it was lobbing Ederson in GW33 that started an upturn in form & opportunities, as Saints hit form. Adams is less pacey but more direct than Long (introduced as an Ings-facilitator), evident in the stats. From the outset, he has taken up good positions”

“If Adams can cement his place - it is certainly his to lose - he has the raw attributes (albeit not Ings' ridiculous conversion rate) to offer great value. With Saints focussing on other areas in the transfer window, the attack should benefit from much needed stability.”

This train is STACKED people. Missing it seems like a fools game.

I mean, who the fuck do you have in this spot currently?

If you say anyone other than Antonio you're basically Matt Hancock.

Chris Wood? Fucking blanks, next.

Mitro? What use is a talisman if the Hermetic Order is extinct?

Maupay? Like a virgin at spring break.

Ayew? Don’t make me laugh.

Calvert-Lewin? He has the conversion rate of the Riemann Hypothesis.

Saints look a team to invest in from the off. They are one of the most in-form sides with a great opening run. They battered some hapless minnows 7-1 in preseason with Adams scoring within minutes. He is 2.5m less than Ings and a great way to get in on the action on the cheap

The time is here… everyone is gonna want a ticket after he slaloms past 4m Palace enablers and rifles one in the roof of the net. Buy a ticket now and do not miss the station.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Mates (not that mate) – join me. Join US.

JOIN THE MOTHER FUCKING CHE-TRAIN!!