Thread by @micalapolzin, omg not google taking me to center for clean air policy!!!!!! my [...]

omg not google taking me to center for clean air policy!!!!!! my fbi agent literally does not even babysit me lol. if she did she would take note of me blowing out nicotine every 6 seconds. i haven’t experienced clean air since 1999

OMG or my fbi agent wants to influence me to be a good citizen and is hinting at me to stop letting toxins in the air

um lmao that was a dumb statement. my FBI agent has heard me state loud and proud 29 times a day i’m a libra. she knows i want to be directed straight to ccap to be nosey. look at her playing dumb!!!! not my fbi agent being a libra too!!!!!!

jk yessssss my fbi agent being a libra too and requesting to get on my line ***8445 because she heard me talking and gossiping to MYSELF and needed to know more!!!!!!

omg the way i looked up my own record because like forgetful. i forgot i rear ended (bumped) (tapped) this woman years ago and she claimed to be injured but quit the neck grabs and tears as soon as it came to sharing insurance information lmao literally like a switch

mates i forgot about this!! she came out her car in a WWE tracksuit and floppy bun. no makeup. no lips. triiiiiiipping over her mustang.
i was ready to get knocked out cold. but accepted it because i was 16 and she was prob 31 (looked 53) i knew there was a punishment for that!

but to my surprise she just gave me crocodile tears and punches to the air about how i ruined (SCUFFED) her 2004 mustang. i apologized like a ventriloquist because not only did i literally not give a fuck, but also because she could take me to Michael’s.. i could fix the paint

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💜" title="Violettes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Violettes Herz">

well sooner or later, the cops came. filled out their little worksheets. said victim was ready to do a backflip off her mustang after she was trying to support her neck 2 seconds before. ended up getting a fat check years down the line. and then my brain turned on

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💜" title="Violettes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Violettes Herz">

this woman had minor damage (literally scuffed orange paint) to her car but claimed i broke her neck. and got money? from that moment on i have been practicing my tears, my stance, my aches, and my faints. hoping that someone would tap me with their vehicle.

it hasn’t happened yet. but the second it does, i’m ready to give an oscar winning performance. i literally have my epi pen on deck for the drama. suddenly i’m allergic to air bags and this just might be my last breath.

so thank you Karen for teaching me a little neck injury goes along way$. for demonstrating a 2 minute acting bit i will use for the rest of my life. plus my real tears. plus me being dedicated to the injuries. you are the blueprint & one day i will get this check.

except this time... it’ll be bigger than yours

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💜" title="Violettes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Violettes Herz">
(and i’ll only play this role to an adult 25+ so i don’t make a 16 year old girl think she killed me)
the only time i’ll thank a Karen is for this learning experience. thank you.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💜" title="Violettes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Violettes Herz">

(her name was Laura but same thing xoxo

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💋" title="Kussabdruck" aria-label="Emoji: Kussabdruck">)

anyways. the way i also had a lil drinking ticket

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face"> in oshkosh (

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😡" title="Schmollendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Schmollendes Gesicht">) during pub crawl

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face"> i miss the toddler life

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">

like how innocent.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face"> whole time i had 3 fireball shots.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face"> probably stumbling on sidewalks in my little ass denim outfit

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">

but the way i visited oshkosh wisconsin so many times? they should’ve scratched the drinking ticket and sent me to prison. not only was i an underage drinker. i was also in american eagle jeans.

that little

—⇀

—˞

√ ⁻ ⁻ ⁻

pocket they had

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">

you get it.
the way these smell like newly installed carpet in the basement and represent being unfashionable.

great fit though! they let me wear a 0 which calms my body dysmorphia.

anyways!! enough about clean air and car crashes and american eagle jeans. taking a breather to remember why i was trying to access tea (?) in the first place.

i remembered but also. the fact a clothing store named themselves american eagle outfitters????????? don’t get me wrong i was a fan!!! but like........???? bird clothing store

“hey welcome to american eagle”

now let’s talk about ABERCROMBIE

what is abercrombie love xx

not someone asking if abercrombie is a luxury brand

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Nachdenkliches Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Nachdenkliches Gesicht">

" title="what is abercrombie love xxnot someone asking if abercrombie is a luxury brand https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Nachdenkliches Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Nachdenkliches Gesicht">" class="img-responsive" style="max-width:100%;"/>

“hey welcome to abercrombie”

“.... can i get a dressing room?”
hollister employees:

“welcome to LUSH try this soap made by me 1/2/2010”

“WELCOMEEEEEEEE TO BATH AND BODY!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE THAT PUMPKIN VANILLA CINNAMON SPICE MUFFIN CANDLE!!!!!!! BUY 48 GET 36 FREE!!!!!!!!”

*francesca’s*
“earring sale.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🌿" title="Kräuter" aria-label="Emoji: Kräuter">”

”" title="*francesca’s*“earring sale. https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🌿" title="Kräuter" aria-label="Emoji: Kräuter">”" class="img-responsive" style="max-width:100%;"/>

*victorias secret*
“hey.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)"> need to be measured?

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">”
28 year old woman: uh no i’m good
“

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="📏" title="Gerades Lineal" aria-label="Emoji: Gerades Lineal">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="📐" title="Geodreieck" aria-label="Emoji: Geodreieck">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="📏" title="Gerades Lineal" aria-label="Emoji: Gerades Lineal"> 34DDD.

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">”

*victorias secret* “hey. https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable=

“welcome to pottery barn.”

zara employee: is this all today?

forever 21 employee: NEXT IN LINE

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="👗" title="Kleid" aria-label="Emoji: Kleid">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="👚" title="Damenbekleidung" aria-label="Emoji: Damenbekleidung">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="👛" title="Geldbörse" aria-label="Emoji: Geldbörse">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🩱" title="Einteiler" aria-label="Emoji: Einteiler">

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🚶🏻‍♀️" title="Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Gehende Frau (heller Hautton)">
forever 21 employee: u know our return policy

forever 21 employee: NEXT IN LINE https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable=

*j crew*
“no accessories today?

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🐶" title="Hundegesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Hundegesicht">”

”" title="*j crew* “no accessories today? https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🐶" title="Hundegesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Hundegesicht">”" class="img-responsive" style="max-width:100%;"/>

“welcome BAAAAACK TO LULULEMON. NEED A BAG TODAY????”

*me looking in the brandy melville section of pac sun*
the manager on shift:

*me buying $535 shoes at nordstrom*
the cashier:

“ummmmm why do these jeans smell like mildew?”
aeropostale employee:

sephora employee: you sure you don’t need a color match? ok. you got our rewards? would you like to spend your points on an ant size primer?

“hey BOSS BABE!

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💋" title="Kussabdruck" aria-label="Emoji: Kussabdruck"> LOVE your feed. I was wondering if you wanted to be a part of my BO$$ BABE HUSTLER I GET MONEY CASH MONEY MAMA BEAR MAFIA TEAM! DM me for deets!

https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🌸" title="Kirschblüte" aria-label="Emoji: Kirschblüte">”

“hey BOSS BABE! https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable=

LOVE your feed. I was wondering if you wanted to be a part of my BO$$ BABE HUSTLER I GET MONEY CASH MONEY MAMA BEAR MAFIA TEAM! DM me for deets! https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🌸" title="Kirschblüte" aria-label="Emoji: Kirschblüte">”" title="“hey BOSS BABE! https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💋" title="Kussabdruck" aria-label="Emoji: Kussabdruck"> LOVE your feed. I was wondering if you wanted to be a part of my BO$$ BABE HUSTLER I GET MONEY CASH MONEY MAMA BEAR MAFIA TEAM! DM me for deets! https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🌸" title="Kirschblüte" aria-label="Emoji: Kirschblüte">”" class="img-responsive" style="max-width:100%;"/>

wow what a thread mates lol night

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