Thread by @micalapolzin, omg not google taking me to center for clean air policy!!!!!! my [...]

omg not google taking me to center for clean air policy!!!!!! my fbi agent literally does not even babysit me lol. if she did she would take note of me blowing out nicotine every 6 seconds. i haven’t experienced clean air since 1999

OMG or my fbi agent wants to influence me to be a good citizen and is hinting at me to stop letting toxins in the air

um lmao that was a dumb statement. my FBI agent has heard me state loud and proud 29 times a day i’m a libra. she knows i want to be directed straight to ccap to be nosey. look at her playing dumb!!!! not my fbi agent being a libra too!!!!!!

jk yessssss my fbi agent being a libra too and requesting to get on my line ***8445 because she heard me talking and gossiping to MYSELF and needed to know more!!!!!!

omg the way i looked up my own record because like forgetful. i forgot i rear ended (bumped) (tapped) this woman years ago and she claimed to be injured but quit the neck grabs and tears as soon as it came to sharing insurance information lmao literally like a switch

mates i forgot about this!! she came out her car in a WWE tracksuit and floppy bun. no makeup. no lips. triiiiiiipping over her mustang.
i was ready to get knocked out cold. but accepted it because i was 16 and she was prob 31 (looked 53) i knew there was a punishment for that!

but to my surprise she just gave me crocodile tears and punches to the air about how i ruined (SCUFFED) her 2004 mustang. i apologized like a ventriloquist because not only did i literally not give a fuck, but also because she could take me to Michael’s.. i could fix the paint

well sooner or later, the cops came. filled out their little worksheets. said victim was ready to do a backflip off her mustang after she was trying to support her neck 2 seconds before. ended up getting a fat check years down the line. and then my brain turned on

this woman had minor damage (literally scuffed orange paint) to her car but claimed i broke her neck. and got money? from that moment on i have been practicing my tears, my stance, my aches, and my faints. hoping that someone would tap me with their vehicle.

it hasn’t happened yet. but the second it does, i’m ready to give an oscar winning performance. i literally have my epi pen on deck for the drama. suddenly i’m allergic to air bags and this just might be my last breath.

so thank you Karen for teaching me a little neck injury goes along way$. for demonstrating a 2 minute acting bit i will use for the rest of my life. plus my real tears. plus me being dedicated to the injuries. you are the blueprint & one day i will get this check.

except this time... it’ll be bigger than yours

(and i’ll only play this role to an adult 25+ so i don’t make a 16 year old girl think she killed me)
the only time i’ll thank a Karen is for this learning experience. thank you.

(her name was Laura but same thing xoxo

)

anyways. the way i also had a lil drinking ticket

in oshkosh (

) during pub crawl

i miss the toddler life

like how innocent.

whole time i had 3 fireball shots.

probably stumbling on sidewalks in my little ass denim outfit

but the way i visited oshkosh wisconsin so many times? they should’ve scratched the drinking ticket and sent me to prison. not only was i an underage drinker. i was also in american eagle jeans.

that little

—⇀

—˞

√ ⁻ ⁻ ⁻

pocket they had

you get it.
the way these smell like newly installed carpet in the basement and represent being unfashionable.

great fit though! they let me wear a 0 which calms my body dysmorphia.

anyways!! enough about clean air and car crashes and american eagle jeans. taking a breather to remember why i was trying to access tea (?) in the first place.

i remembered but also. the fact a clothing store named themselves american eagle outfitters????????? don’t get me wrong i was a fan!!! but like........???? bird clothing store