Read on Twitter
Whole thread is well worth reading (always is from this writer), but this point, right here, is crucial.
My triggers around *perceived or real* anger and raised voices make things hard on other people sometimes. It’s not fair. They should be able to express anger freely. https://twitter.com/leeflower/status/1301686641497706498
My triggers around *perceived or real* anger and raised voices make things hard on other people sometimes. It’s not fair. They should be able to express anger freely. https://twitter.com/leeflower/status/1301686641497706498
I don’t mean they should be allowed to *yell* at me, but a heated raised voice as a fair expression of frustration is not that.
Lizard brain unfortunately does not make the distinction.
Lizard brain unfortunately does not make the distinction.
It’s also unfair because I also have anger to express, and sometimes raise my voice, and the only way for me to stop myself doing that is to go cold (which works up to a point).
Which I sometimes do, to even the playing field (so to speak). And I acknowledge that it’s hard that some things can’t be discussed without great care and forethought, and it’s hard that people have to really pick their moments to deliver fair criticism.
I have all the rejection sensitivity. I also need to be told when I’ve messed up - ADHD + autism does mean that “hey um you did interrupt and derail me just now, can we go back a bit” and “hey that came out a bit harsh, did you mean that?” are things I need to be told sometimes.
The options presented there are my preferred sort of critique, and it’s take a lot of thinking to come up with those examples of casual, gentle correction. I like them because they give me the benefit of the doubt, and they give me somewhere to go.
I can say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to derail, I should have stepped back. Please say your thing, I will listen!” and I can say “oh I didn’t mean to sound harsh, I’m just tired/distracted and my voice has gone weird, thanks for letting me know.”
It gives me a chance to fix it, and take responsibility, and be an active participant in making things better; and that benefit of the doubt makes me feel like people know me well enough to know that my intentions, while not magic, are generally good.
That eases the sting of rejection sensitivity more than I can possibly explain - because it makes it clear that this is very likely a simple mistake on my part, and if I step up *now* before it gets worse, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, or lead to rejection.
And I hope it gives the other person the chance to be reassured and given space to speak or respond, and it can all settle and everyone gets heard and understood.
So it is possible to find workarounds for these things rather than using one’s trauma or challenges as a deflection.
So it is possible to find workarounds for these things rather than using one’s trauma or challenges as a deflection.
I admit I don’t yet have a workaround for the anger PTSD trigger, other than the EMDR work I’m doing in therapy to try to soften some of those reactions. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with anger; I would just like to not be terrified and enraged.
All I can say is that I can’t handle angry criticism, it needs to be offered gently and calmly, and it sucks to stifle people’s genuine feelings that way, it’s not fair, but it’s what I’ve got and at least I’m not using it to avoid criticism entirely.
I drew this point out of the thread because I think that there definitely needs to be this sort of nuance around discussions of how to manage criticism of people’s behaviour when they have their own deep seated issues that make that criticism tricky and difficult.
Self awareness is the first and hardest step. And for serious problems, I *will* panic, and I will feel sick and awful; it can’t be helped; but if it’s approached with care, I can manage that reaction well enough to be fair to the other person as well as myself.
(and I will activate the support network and have a big sook about it, and feel validated that my overreaction is a consequence of trauma, and I can ride it out and address the problem which is likely a separate issue)
There’s nothing that gets me off the hook for shitty behaviour. There are challenges that mean I’d like the benefit of the doubt, the opportunity to change “shitty” to “clueless but trying”; and I am grateful for that consideration when I get it.
It’s complicated but there are ways to be fair to everyone, as long as everyone is trying to be fair, and is willing to evaluate what “fair” looks like.
I think I’m getting vague and starting to repeat myself, so I’ll leave off here!
Take care, all
-Doc out
Take care, all
-Doc out
