Actually can I talk for a second about rejection sensitive dysphoria bc I'm fucking going through it right now

Because the thing is I can handle straight rejection fine. I can compartmentalize. I've been through querying, I know how to handle it.

But the RSD kicks in the hardest when I start feeling unwanted, pushed out, ignored in a space. Even if it's the slightest shift, even if other people might just have their own shit going on, I zero in on it and obsess.

It's when I join a conversation in a group chat and it dies shortly afterward, and I'm CONVINCED it's because of me. It's likes on my tweets being strong for a few days and then dropping off and I'm SURE I'm being annoying and unfunny and everyone hates me.

It's being terrified to start a conversation with someone for fear of annoying them but reading into it if others aren't starting convos with me. Abject fear of being embarrassed. Burying my feelings because I don't want to burden others. Never knowing where I stand with anyone.

I just look back at so much of my life, the panic attacks and ruined friendships and opportunities I missed because I was so fucking scared of revealing myself to people and being laughed at or pushed away or hated, and it makes more sense

But I still don't know what the fuck to do about it. Knowing doesn't stop me from spiraling into a panic every time someone replies to other people on their tweet but only likes my reply or whatever superficial bullshit.

I hate it because I feel like I did when I was a teenager, and like, I did my fucking time!! All those huge emotions were supposed to settle down. But I'm still extremely conflict avoidant. I can still only text my feelings, if I even manage that--never say them out loud.

We talk a lot about ADHD and how it messes with our focus and our ability to perform tasks and our hyperfixations, but not so much about the way it fucks with our emotions and self-image. So like, I guess that's the point of this. Your ADHD pals might have RSD too and just like

Keep in mind it really sucks and at least in my case makes me fucking difficult to be friends with. And I need to try harder to work through those feelings to be present for my friends. But it is IMMENSELY hard for me if I don't already really really know and trust our friendship

So anyway that's where I'm at, brain bad, end of thread