If you’re part of the “COVID-19 doesn’t kill that many people” crew, keep in mind there’s mounting evidence of long term cardiovascular damage related to it.

“I’m not afraid of a little flu,” you say. Cool, let’s talk about your new scars.

I mean, first we can talk about the slow decline that occasionally turns fast. Heart failure kind of comes in on little cat feet, but you'll hit a point where your body is just like "fuck it".

You'll go into the hospital, they'll put you one some meds. Maybe you'll get a pacemaker. (That's the scar up by my left shoulder. Well, sort of, because they eventually took it out when I didn't need it anymore, but we'll get to that.)

You'll slowly decline. I mean, in some ways heart failure is kind of like a chronic condition, like diabetes, but it's probably just going to keep getting worse.

At some point if you're lucky you'll be in line for a heart transplant. Which can mean a lot of different things. If your heart is bad, but not bad enough, they might stick an LVAD in you. That's a heart pump. The surgery involves cracking you open and putting in the pump.

Unlike the pacemaker, which has an internal battery, the LVAD uses a lot of energy, so you end up wearing what looks like a double gun holster with batteries. And wires, running into your body. That's kind of a bridge, to hopefully keep you alive long enough to get a transplant.

I didn't have to do that, because I was actually in a pretty bad place and so I was a pretty high priority case. Yay!?!?

Anyway, if your lucky you live long enough to get the transplant. Happy day. Just hope you don't come down with something like pneumonia the day before you're supposed to get the new heart, and then you have to start the wait over again.

The roll you in, take out the old heart, put the new one in, and sew you up. Big old scar in the middle of your chest. Bad ass.

Those smaller holes? Well, you'll be on a ventilator so they'll put some feeding tubes in you. No biggie, just some holes in the old tumtum. Oh, also, they might run an external pacemaker into you, "just in case".

Because remember that old pacemaker you got? Well, they pulled that one out.

Oh, and then there's the scar from the balloon pump, which you can't see because I'm not posting a picture of a scar that close to the old meat and potatoes. But basically they keep your heart beating for a bit with a balloon that goes in through your groin.

Hopefully everything goes well and they pull all that shit out after a few days. Maybe a week or so.

When people talk about transplants in movies and TV, the scariest part is always the procedure itself. Well, as far as I can tell that's probably the least risky part. The guy who did mine said all he had to do was sew 5 big circles. And wire my sternum back together.

But the real fun risks are after the surgery. You've got somebody else's heart in you now. And your body doesn't like other peoples' shit in your shit. So now you're on immunosuppressants. For the rest of your life.

Whee! All kinds of fun new infections to worry about! One fun thing about getting a new heart right before this pandemic is that *everybody else* is also worried about infections so I don't have to feel like a weirdo staying in the house or wearing a mask.

(lol, obviously not "everybody")

Oh, also, I'm on a steroid that can trigger osteoporosis, and I'm showing early signs of that, so gotta be careful with the old bones now too.

So at the end of the day, I'm happy to be alive, but if somebody had said, "you can avoid this shit by wearing a mask in public for a year and hunkering down" I would have jumped at the chance.

And if somebody had said that I could protect my kid from a fate like this by doing online school and not letting them play football, well, I think I'd be a pretty big asshole to reject that offer.

Oh, also, maybe you can see the blood on my neck? Every few weeks I have to go in for a heart biopsy to make sure that my body isn't rejecting the heart. They go in through my jugular and clip our 4 little pieces of my heart. Good times.

This one is for the "if you're vulnerable then DON'T GO OUT" crowd. I have to go out to get these tests done, Jim, so please fuck off.