What do you do when you're part of a Paranormal Society that claims to be inclusive of all people and identities, but when you come out as non-binary, they blatantly disrespect you, misgender you, and get defensive and OFFENSIVE when you ask for a bit of respect? [THREAD]

For over 3 years, I was with the team. We called ourselves a family. We spent countless hours together, both for team stuff and outside of team hours just to be social. We drank, celebrated holidays, gave each other gifts, told each other deeply personal things. I trusted them.

We went to a local Pride together to represent the team, because myself and my partner - who was also part of the team - were openly queer, and our Lead Investigator labelled himself an ally. We even got him an ally badge. He seemed thoroughly pleased with himself for it.

I became a valued member of the team. Not only did I build myself up to co-lead status, helping organise events and speak to people requesting our help, I also built them a brand new website (of which my partner paid the entire fees for), and did YouTube + social stuff for them.

I lived and breathed for the team. I was there at almost every investigation and meeting because I LOVED it, I was so passionate, I gave up countless weekends and long, LONG nights because I WANTED TO. Some of these days were 12+ hours. It was like a part-time job.

The above is not a complaint - I knew what I was signing up to, and to their credit there was never a qualm if anyone had to drop out for personal reasons. Personal life came first, that much I can say for them.

But as you can see, I built up trust. Friendships. These people were my family. I was especially close to the Lead. I lived at his house for 2 weeks to look after it and his pets. He taught me stuff about being Pagan, because yes - this man is apparently an open-minded witch. HA.

I came out to him and the entire team on our group chat as non-binary over a year ago. They were transparent about not understanding it (these people are all 30-50+ years old) they said they'd do their best to use my pronouns and respect my identity. So we went on with our lives.

Until, a few weeks ago, I realised they'd kinda just. Stopped. I gave them the benefit of the doubt though. I thought they just needed a gentle nudge, and with 2 new members who weren't present when I first came out, I decided to come out again. It did not go well.

The Lead immediately became defensive, and saw my asking for them to use they/them pronouns as a personal attack. I was told that I needed to respect the fact that the other members are conditioned by society and won't get it right all the time.

The thing is? I'd already covered all that in my message. I prefaced everything as politely as I could, stressing that I understood people slipped up, all I wanted was some reassurance that they were doing their best. That was it. I was totally understanding of their positions.

Despite them being the ones to make me uncomfortable, to make me feel like an outsider, like my gender was being ignored - I was the one that had to be complacent, all smiles and patience. I could have been angry, aggressive. I wasn't. I can't express how KIND I was about it.

My other Co-Lead then came on the chat and suggested we waited to talk it out at the meeting planned for the following evening. But by this point, the Lead had escalated the situation by putting on a long paragraph. This man centred himself when I was the one coming out. Lmao.

He addressed me as "she" in this paragraph, right after I had *JUST* explained in detail how I felt. I called him out on it, and he said, and I quote, "Yes, I did call you she. A perfect example of no matter how many times you ask, I'm never going to get it right." The GALL.

I was so taken aback. This was the same man who had initially been so understanding, asking questions and seeming keen to learn. We went to PRIDE together! He wore an ally badge and used the team's logo with a rainbow background. He preached inclusion and showed me none.

By this point, I was beyond upset. I was hurt. This blatant lack of want to even TRY and respect me made me feel as though I was cornered. So, as politely as I could, I said I would bow out from the team. I couldn't comfortably stay where there wasn't a place for me.

And this man. This fucking CHILD of a man. He made it about him, once again, and announced he would be stepping down as Lead of the team because we needed someone more "modern" in charge, despite us working AS A TEAM and making joint decisions in everything. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

I left. I removed myself from the chat. And then our Co-Lead managed to convince me to come to the meeting the following day. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was nice to me. She said she'd do her very best to respect me, and that I was a valued member of the team.

I went. The Lead turned up, and sat on the farthest side of the room to me, as I predicted. Then our Co-Lead sat in front of me. The whole time we were talking, I felt talked down to, like a parent scolding a child. But in her defense, I don't think this was intentional. Truly.

All the team were present, and even though 99% of them were once again transparent about not understanding non-binary identities, they agreed to do their best. Our Co-Lead suggested just using my name to avoid confusion, which isn't exactly the BEST but at this point? Okay then.

I got a mumbled apology from the Lead. He couldn't even meet my eye. There was no pulling me aside, privately, to speak earnestly with me. He didn't try to make sure I was alright. There was no attempt to mend the trust he'd broken, to heal the bump in our friendship. None.

But the meeting went on, and we decided to do a mini impromptu investigation to lighten the mood. I felt uneasy. I felt, honestly, like not much was resolved, but I was willing to give it time and hoped it would all smooth itself out. I desperately wanted to hold on to the team.

When I left, though, and I got home... I knew. I knew that I wasn't happy, and I knew with the way the Lead had acted around me with no real remorse or attempt to fix it, that my time with the team was up. So I put forward my apologies, wished them the best, and left for good.

Our Co-Lead once again reached out to me and wished me the best in return, assured me she was there if I needed anything, and that my place would also be there in the team should I ever want to return. This made me feel a bit better, like there was no ill will on their part.

I decided I didn't want to leave behind the paranormal altogether. I love it, I really do. So, with my ties to the team gone, I decided to go it on my own with the help of my partner who also stepped back from the team. We bought a spirit box and came up with a fun name.

We have an Instagram, too, to share places we go and any cool stuff we capture. To my unease, the Lead and his wife found this account yesterday, and decided to follow it despite me having blocked them on my personal accounts. They were showing me they knew about the account.

I pose no threat to their team. It's just me, my partner, a spirit box, and a few damn cameras. So tell me why two 50+ year olds felt the need to take to Facebook and drag me through the mud for daring to still have an interest in the paranormal outside of their team?

And I have the fucking receipts. The first post is the Lead and his wife’s joint Facebook account sharing a queerphobic meme about non-binary/genderfluid people, the second is them lashing out at me for trying to “imitate” their team.

These are people who called me family. I lost my dad when I was 10 and the Lead became a father figure to me, and I even told him this. He knew how very much I loved and looked up to him. Yet he can so easily turn and treat me like this? It hurts more than I can say.

I’m glad I left. As much as this hurts, I don’t have to put up with people who make me feel like who I am is an inconvenience. If they can’t give me basic respect, they don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve anything I ever did for them. Good fucking riddance.

Also, now I’m on the outside, I can understand why the Lead and his wife always seemed to have so many enemies despite them claiming to never be the ones in the wrong. I call bullshit. 50 years old but acting 5. You’re gonna have a tally of people who can’t fucking stand you.

And don’t get me started on how the Lead sensationalised things more and more. The “funny turns” and how everything was somehow a demon or evil, and even blatantly lying about things he heard. This man seriously tried to claim he heard Freddie Mercury on the spirit box LMAO.

It was either the god damn radio frequency tuning in OR you’re full of shit, and I think I know which one I’m gearing towards.

Even if the Lead hadn’t essentially rejected me as non-binary, the way he handled the team wasn’t something I agreed with in the end anymore. I was embarrassed of it, of him, and I’m glad I’m free of it. Free of all the bullshit and drama.

This man chose to end his name in an ‘i’ despite his birth name ending in a ‘y’ and expected everyone to use it, which they did, and also never shut up about being a Pagan witch and a goth. He claimed he felt “othered” and was bullied for it all his life.

So how can he then turn around and treat me like this? The man has an ego and jealousy complex, at 50 years old, and I genuinely don’t think he liked that there was someone else “different” on the team. He wanted to be the only one. An absolute infant.

ANYWAY!!! Demand better for yourself!!! It might be hard but you can and SHOULD cut people off when they no longer make you feel safe, comfortable, happy, and loved. You don’t have to take it. You can walk away. You can be free. We’re leaving toxic people in 2020.

Flourish. Thrive. Do your best. Show them you’re better and leave them in your fucking dust to realise what they lost. Best way to get over them is to go over them entirely, and be better.

Further receipts? Okay. This is second coming out message I put onto the chat.

The Lead’s initial response. And like I said, I was the epitome of patient, kind, and understanding. I didn’t say a single thing out of turn.

And then he went on the whole “I’m stepping down to give someone more modern the chance to Lead” even though everyone agreed it didn’t need to happen because EVERYONE needs to be inclusive. And then this happened. Like I said. It was all about HIM. He centred himself. Lmao.

These were posted by the same person days apart. First image is the reaction to me re-coming out as non-binary (despite him already knowing for over a year) and the second is on their Facebook after I left the team due to feeling uncomfortable and disrespected.

“Please have respect for those of us in the team” okay sir. You can tell this man is an ex-cop. OOP.