Today I am thinking about my relationship as an afab non-binary person to “women-only” spaces.

Since coming out, changing my name to something more masculine, and describing myself as transmasc, I’ve been invited to these spaces MORE often, not less.

Facebook Groups entitled “Ladies of [Hobby]” that specify, in the description, that it’s just a name and “non-binary people, or anyone who is a feminist, are included too.”

but people always start their posts with some variation of “hey ladies!”

“Leon, join our girls’ game night!” A friend will say. I look at them funny; that’s a contradiction. “Oh, I meant, no boys allowed.” Still not quite right.

On one hand, I have a lot in common with most people in these spaces, so I see why I get invited. I have similar perspectives, I was socialized similarly, and my body works like that of a cis woman’s.

These are facets of my non-binary identity, though, not a mark of womanhood.

To elaborate, my non-binary identity includes the ways in which I might be similar to a cis woman; it doesn’t exist in spite of or at odds with that.

But these spaces still don’t feel right. I am a feminist, but I’m not a lady, and I really don’t like being called one.

[I won’t even touch how exhausting these “women and non-binary” groups must be for amab nbi people and trans women, but it’s a thing you can find plenty of threads on from people who can speak to that]

I appreciate being invited to things, always! But being invited is not enough to make me feel included. If I’m gonna spend time with cis people, I don’t want my gender to be the reason why. Because it’s more complicated than what your Facebook group title will allow.

I feel like I’ve always got to perform femininity in these groups. I can’t just be myself, or I’ll get weird looks or questions about my gender that are difficult and awkward to explain.

I wish I had a solution for how to change the language of these groups to make me, personally, feel more included. I don’t think there is one. So, I guess, I appreciate the invitation, but I’m probably gonna turn it down! Don’t be upset!