I felt so bad for this doctor because he came into my room and he was so excited and he had me rate my pain and I said idk like a six i guess and he was like “okay here’s what I want you to do. I want you to sharply inhale, like this, through your nostrils.” & demonstrated for me

And he sharply inhaled for a good six seconds through his nostrils, very loudly. The loudness was important. Then he said “and then I want you to hold it, and then I want you to loudly exhale making this sound” and went “sszzzzjjjhhhsjjjjsshhhhjjjzzjszzsh” and exhaled all the air

And then he said “and I want you to do that now.” And he told me how important it was that I made the noise, and demonstrated the noise for me again. So I did it. I took a deep whooshing breath in, held it, and then made eye contact with him as I tried to make the exhale noise;

and he was like “no, no. It’s more like this. Sszzzjjjhhhsjjjjsshhhh” and so I tried again and when “shhhhhhzzhzzzhhhzz” and he again was like “no,no,no. Like THIS. Sszzzjjjhhhsjjjjsshhhh” and we went back an forth a few times while I got lightheaded from this breathing exercise

And then I finally did it. And he exclaimed “yes!! That’s it!” and he was delighted and his eyes were so bright. And he demanded “again!” like a stern ballet instructor from 1762 Russia who has vodka for breakfast. I did it again and he said “yes!! Now do it ten times in a row!”

And I did, all while, you know, locking eyes with him to confirm I was doing it correctly. Deep whoosh inhale, szhsjsz exhale. And he kept nodding encouragingly, counting the breaths with me. And then I finished. and I looked at him, he looked at me, we looked at each other.

He said “now. Think about how you feel. Now rate your pain.”
And I sat there for a moment and thought about it and looked up and said
“I don’t know, still like a six, I guess?”

Anyways this is a story about how you should stop recommending basic ass solutions to people with chronic pain and chronic illnesses bc it’s not helpful and it wastes everyone’s time and it’s obnoxious. Yes I’ve tried *breathing* before, what the fuck?