When Bun Bun arrived, his entire first month after we got back from the hospital, Akin did bath time. Alone. How did we get there? I sent him videos upon videos. I expressly stated that I too had never bathed a newborn before. If I was expected to know what to do, he should too

When one of the grandmas expressed surprise, I simply said "It is his son. He should be able to bathe his son. Baby manual did not get downloaded into my brain during pregnancy."

Every time we make decisions against the norm, we see the raised brows & side eyes of our friends, siblings, parents. As much as they try to hide it.
"Lola is doing too much. Asking for too much."
We risk people thinking less of Akin. We risk people saying his wife is controlling

We risk my reputation. And his. Some people don't think I am this sweet loving wife. They think I am domineering, controlling. It is unfair. I want to be liked too. They think he is weak. Easily manipulated by me. He too has an ego he would like to protect.

When we wanted to name our boy, we eventually agreed on a combined last name. Mine and his for the boy. We spent months arguing over if it was worth it. What everyone would think. And after we finally agreed, on the day of the registration, I ended up going instead of Akin

I put only Akin's surname
In the final moment, I decided I was too tired to fight. I didn't want my son to deal. I didn't want Akin to deal with all the assumptions.
I'd have set a wonderful example of equality for my son.
But in that moment I didn't feel like fighting society

Or sticking it to the predominantly white & racist country my son will grow up in by giving him a double barrelled very African surname. Ah yes. Ideals are beautiful. But you will find doing the traditional thing is so easy. Sometimes, your mind will crave the familiar easiness

It is easy to talk about how our parents didn't show partnership in the home or stuck to traditional gender roles. But you too make decisions to protect your ego. Sometimes you do the easier thing or the more financially responsible thing. Sometimes ideals are pushed to the back

Sometimes you do "whataboutsim" when your partners demand better. Sometimes, you think of how much you are already giving and it feels unfair to do more or give more.
So let's leave our parents. They have done their own. It is your turn. What are you doing?

When your friends laugh at you for not taking that extra shift because you want to go home to your son and wife, or skip on boys night because you want to be home with your family, when your ego is bruised with "Ah. Madam will not let you join us àbí"

And when family and friends act like you are the wicked witch of the west, you will find, it is mad easy, so easy, to not fight.

Sha fight o. Because last last, what you show your kids >>>> what society thinks of both of you. Society can go and stick it where the sun don't shine

But small grace ehn. Let's not act like we too don't slip up and do what is easy, expected and second nature by virtue of our upbringing. Give yourself grace on days you have no fight in you. Not grace to continue to slip up. Grace so you can fight another day