hello. kinda serious tweet :/

i fr need to do something about my eating habits. i'm actually worried but don't really know what to do... it like-- affects me negatively throughout the whole day and there's no real pattern, just some days seem better than others.

i seemingly forget to eat or have no appetite a lot of the time. i get tired/lack a lot of cognitive skills after consecutively skipping meals. like the past week i think i've eaten about 1/3rd of what i'm supposed to. (this in turn might go unnoticed for a few days but then

something happens like i play smash in a competitive environment then i just feel bad. i know i can do better, but i'm functioning at a fraction of what i can do. a lot of this has to do with adderall ruining my appetite, but i feel reliant to the point where i cannot

function without it. my sleep has been getting better only because i have been going out more and being more active/seeing friends and school started. however, it was common this summer for me to stay up for 30 hours and then sleep for nearly 20 because of my internal clock.

i've talked to some friends about this here and there, but at this point i feel like the process is very long and drawn out for little change and i really don't know what to do/feel lost. it really fucking sucks feeling like you have a hangover if you don't take a pill every day.

i've only been on this medication since after me joining the ultimate scene, I believe april 2019 was when i started-- it's been almost a year and a half playing around with this stuff, and i feel awful that i can't wake up and function like everyone else unless i take

prescriptions. i'm afraid to go off of it... i stopped one time last year abruptly (because i was out and insurance was having issues covering it), and i had horrible withdrawl symptoms. feeling the need to vomit, nausea, confusion, awful reaction time, inability to process

information, etc. HOWEVER... i could eat normally. Frostbite was actually pretty horrible for me because i forgot my medication at home... so i played bracket (doubles and singles) essentially hungover (which i was hungover for doubles, so it kinda just felt like a challenge to

even be there. it's like... you don't feel sick, but you feel completely off. when i started, i felt like this was how i was supposed to function and the higher dosage would likely lead to me feeling like i'm as capable as i should be. i've been steadly growing in dosage, but

once it hit a certain point, i felt as though it was worrying to me that i was only going to keep needing more and more as it becomes less and less effective. i'm concerned and frustrated. i feel like i'm a low value person if i'm not accommodated by the drugs i'm so reliant on.

it's getting to the point now that i wonder how much these things are actually even helping me, because i struggle to remember if i'm better off without them. i have a lot of things i want to do... to be productive, creative, helpful, among several other aspirations. yet i lie in

bed contemplating getting out of it or not because it seems a lot harder to get up and preform basic tasks than it used to. it... feels like managing real world responsibilities are a walk in the park in comparison to managing my body to even be able to preform these tasks.

the process for knowing what works and what doesn't is very long. i completely stopped taking my medication for sleep because while it may knock me out, it feels 10x harder getting up, and the whole day feels like i didn't even take my adderall. as if i just BARELY scrape by if

i do. so, i stopped. here i am, typing this draft up at 5:28 AM on September 3rd, 2020. still not in bed.

i apologize for seemingly being aimless. i hope that paints a picture of how i feel about this situation. i am going to bed now. just needed to get it all out there i guess