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CW: Sex, aphobia
First of all, I know that we talk a LOT about how the LGBTQIAP+ community can be exclusive - not just to aspec folx but also to bi folx (solidarity - we're all bloody valid). That's not what this is about. (Hang on to the end, and it just might be though).
2/n
First of all, I know that we talk a LOT about how the LGBTQIAP+ community can be exclusive - not just to aspec folx but also to bi folx (solidarity - we're all bloody valid). That's not what this is about. (Hang on to the end, and it just might be though).
2/n
This is about how the ace community excludes their own. Because they do, and it made me not want to identify as ace or aro or be around that community OR the LGBTQ+ community for LITERAL YEARS.
I felt so damn alone.
I'm mixed race, so trust me I'm no stranger to that.
3/n
I felt so damn alone.
I'm mixed race, so trust me I'm no stranger to that.
3/n
I'm very used to feeling like I'm not enough of anything to belong to an overarching group. I thought at least with my sexuality though, that I finally was enough to fit in.
(Note: if you identify as aspec, you ARE enough and you DO belong here)
4/n
(Note: if you identify as aspec, you ARE enough and you DO belong here)
4/n
Mandatory addition: Not all corners of the ace community are like this. But sometimes the loudest ones, the ones that reach the allos, are. And those are who we're talking about.
For those of you that are new to the class, let's get some stuff out of the way shall we?
5/n
For those of you that are new to the class, let's get some stuff out of the way shall we?
5/n
Asexual: does not experience sexual attraction (the degree of this might vary)
Aromantic: does not experience romantic attraction (the degree of this might vary)
SAM: Split Attraction Model (do a Google)
Aspec: Ace/Aro spectrum - I'm gonna be using it interchangeably
6/n
Aromantic: does not experience romantic attraction (the degree of this might vary)
SAM: Split Attraction Model (do a Google)
Aspec: Ace/Aro spectrum - I'm gonna be using it interchangeably
6/n
Note than none of this has do to with *liking*, *having*, or otherwise engaging with sex/sexual material. So these things apply to allos as well:
Sex-repulsion: A feeling of repulsion, anxiety, disgust, etc when faced with sexual content
7/n
Sex-repulsion: A feeling of repulsion, anxiety, disgust, etc when faced with sexual content
7/n
ONTO THE MAIN COURSE:
Being ace doesn't preclude you from liking sex. It doesn't have to do with being repulsed or not by it. It just means I do not understand the feeling of looking and someone and thinking "Gee, I'd really like to sleep w them".
8/n
Being ace doesn't preclude you from liking sex. It doesn't have to do with being repulsed or not by it. It just means I do not understand the feeling of looking and someone and thinking "Gee, I'd really like to sleep w them".
8/n
So lots of the exclusion in ace spaces comes in the form of microaggressions.
"I'm ace, so I don't like sex."
"I'm ace, so I don't like to see explicit/spicy/sexy photos"
"I'm ace, so sex grosses me out."
All of these are incredibly harmful things to say.
9/n
"I'm ace, so I don't like sex."
"I'm ace, so I don't like to see explicit/spicy/sexy photos"
"I'm ace, so sex grosses me out."
All of these are incredibly harmful things to say.
9/n
Because your experience of ace-ness isn't everyones. Because you don't know who is listening, questioning, and looking for somewhere to belong.
"I'm ace" isn't a get out of [sexual situation] free card.
And guess what, when you say stuff like that, you speak for all aces
10/
"I'm ace" isn't a get out of [sexual situation] free card.
And guess what, when you say stuff like that, you speak for all aces
10/
Whether that's your intention or not, you're gatekeeping the community from those that don't share your experiences. And everyone hears you. The allos hear you. The rest of the queer community hears you.
And the rest of us are left to contend with it.
11/
And the rest of us are left to contend with it.
11/
The rest of us are left to defend ourselves to other aspec folx. We're left to defend our validity to the allos and the queer community who already think our orientation is a joke/fake/made up. Because our experiences don't align with what *you* think make up asexuality.
12/n
12/n
I understand wanting to belong. I understand wanting to have a space to just exist. But we can't do that if we exclude parts of our own community.
Arguably, these members are the ones that need our support the most. The aces that enjoy sex, have those kinds of relationships,
Arguably, these members are the ones that need our support the most. The aces that enjoy sex, have those kinds of relationships,
and support/create that kind of content are the ones who most often get hit with the "Oh so you're straight then."
Want to know how I know? Because I've been there. So. Many. Times.
I've been ace for as long as I can remember. I've also been a sex-worker. I've had multiple
Want to know how I know? Because I've been there. So. Many. Times.
I've been ace for as long as I can remember. I've also been a sex-worker. I've had multiple
relationships. I don't mind taking, sharing and promoting some spicy content.
I'm also sex repulsed to varying degrees. Full nudity makes me uncomfortable on most days. I'm indifferent to the act itself. I have no sex drive.
But none of those things make me ace. They make me me
I'm also sex repulsed to varying degrees. Full nudity makes me uncomfortable on most days. I'm indifferent to the act itself. I have no sex drive.
But none of those things make me ace. They make me me
But I'm ace because I don't experience sexual attraction (at all in my case but that's not the case for all)
I'm aro because I rarely experience romantic attraction.
So in conclusion: Stop using your asexuality as an excuse. Stop making others feel like they aren't enough.
I'm aro because I rarely experience romantic attraction.
So in conclusion: Stop using your asexuality as an excuse. Stop making others feel like they aren't enough.
