tw // suicide

how i think being in the closet fucks a child up

-- a thread --

disclaimer: this is my take on the subject. i am in no way claiming that this is absolute truth.

i was a flamboyant child. i never forced myself into the male stereotype. i didnt know i was gay back then tho. i was just me. i had no notion of societal standards. i didnt know "right" from "wrong"

so imagine getting hit as a child just cuz your hand was bent while you spoke. imagine being told to stop talking to your female friends cuz "youre becoming like them." imagine being lectured cuz you speak in a feminine way.

i was a child. i was a child being fed with the thought that even in my innocence, i did everything wrong. i spoke wrong i walked wrong i thought wrong i lived wrong.

i didnt know what was wrong with me tho. but i was definitely taught that there was a problem. i was brought up to believe that there was an anomaly to my existence - that i was inherently a mistake.

imagine thinking that for your whole life. imagine not having anyone to talk to. imagine not having a support system. imagine feeling unsafe in your own home. imagine having to deal with all that for 18 years.

when i considered the possibility that i was gay, i became so conflicted with my identity that i kept a knife under my bed and when it became too much, id slide it along my forearms. i wanted to feel as close to death i guess. thats how bad my self perception was.

it took me four years to accept it. i came out right after junior high ended. the whole time i had to correct the manifestations of how my parent's and classmates' homophobia affected me. i had to do that on my own.

i had to learn how to trust that other people cared about me. i had to learn how to be comfortable at home when i shouldve been able to growing up. i still havent learned it tho. it feels like i had my childhood taken away.

ive always been envious of my friends who were able to talk to their family. for me, a good day would be if my father was at work, cuz then i wouldnt be shouted at. i learned to isolate myself from everyone because a second with another person in the room

is a second id be reminded that ill never be enough. ive discussed in therapy that thats why ive clung to academic achievements for my self worth. because ive always had to battle to be recognized as anything other than "that gay disappointment"

my words in this thread dont do the experience justice. no words can ever explain how difficult it is for people like me. i dont know a life where im not constantly braving through dinner with my family. i dont know how to be comfortable and safe.

please never downplay struggles like these. i am trying to forgive the past but that doesnt mean ive forgotten what happened. i am trying to be a better person in spite of my upbringing. i wanna be the person that shouldve been there for 13-year-old simon.

to this day in still scared. im still scared of being called out. im scared to walk to the next room because maybe id disappoint my parents with my femininity. im scared to go downstairs and eat. im scared to speak and look my family in the eyes.

i have a lot of trauma to heal from. im being patient with myself but right now im very scared. idk how to end this thread so ill just leave it here i guess

-- end of thread --