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1/ Alright, what does science say about difficult conversations? Is it worth having them? What's the best way to have them?
2/ Many of us would prefer to avoid confrontation, and so never found effective mechanisms for having difficult conversations
3/ this comes out in our personal lives, where our relationships are suboptimal because we don't know how to advocate for ourselves, or in our work lives where we don't know how to negotiate inside of corporate structure
4/ or in our political lives, where we have no idea how to deal with racist uncle bob who keeps bringing up false statistics that he heard about on Alex Jones' show
5/But the reality is, in refusing to meet these difficult conversations head on, we are doing ourselves a disservice.
6/ social psychology has shown that people who are extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable tend to be happier: https://colby.edu/psychology/labs/personality/publications/Soto_in_press.pdf
7/ but other research has shown well-being is correlated with your ability to exercise confrontation at the right time. In short, if you confront someone in order to do good, it has a greater impact on your well-being in the long run https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22309724/
8/ But it isn't enough to just get angry at someone with a bad idea. Anger makes you easily manipulated. It decreases the likelihood that you'll be able to reach common ground with someone. It has negative effects on your own health https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/jenniferlerner/files/fuel_in_the_fire_how_anger_impacts_judgment_and_decision_making_0.pdf
9/ Anger also increases the likelihood that you'll make a bad decision during the conversation, that you'll get so upset that you'll blow the whole thing. https://hbr.org/2010/09/how-anger-poisons-decision-making
10/ Project's like Germany's My Country Talks https://mycountrytalks.org are a great example of what can happen when you bring people to have open, honest conversations. They find common ground, explore new territory, and even change their minds about important issues
11/ Columbia's Difficult Conversation Lab at the International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution focuses on exactly this idea https://icccr.tc.columbia.edu/
12/ from their work, it's clear that the deep-seated conflicts that have arisen in many countries are reflections of intractable differences, where neither side is willing to stop pointing fingers, as they wait on the other side to start behaving better
13/ These cleavages are complex situations that we can't simply hope will disappear. Complex situations require complex responses - none of which is possible if we lose ourselves to anger https://blogs.ei.columbia.edu/2015/03/17/intractable-conflict-can-we-end-endless-wars/
14/ the best approach, then, is to find the things that are really worth having a confrontation over. Then finding a way into that confrontation that doesn't involve getting angry at the other person
15/ then, and this is the hardest step - you must seek understanding. Most of us can be manipulated by the circumstances we're most familiar with, which can cause us to come to completely bananas conclusions
16/ Stop frequently during the conversation and consider the circumstances that have led this person to have an opinion you strongly disagree with. Ask questions to find out where they're coming from. Most likely, deep down, they're simply afraid
17/ @QCassam, who we interviewed recently, suggests that the best approach is to appeal to people's sense of right and wrong. https://anchor.fm/demystifying-science/episodes/Roots-of-Conspiracy-Theory---Dr--Quassim-Cassam-eiias9
18/ Everyone wants to be on the right side of history. If you manage to pay attention to @JonHaidt's moral tastebuds, you can build a convincing argument.
19/ What are they afraid of, you might ask. Afraid of being disenfranchised. Afraid that the world is changing too quickly and they're getting left behind. Afraid that their moral framework will be dismissed as unimportant by the opposition.
20/ More often than not, people will be afraid of the fact that their opinions are shouted down, but no one is willing to sit down and explain to them why they should change them. Few of us are willing to change our opinions when someone's yelling at us, telling us we're terrible
21/ If you make it through the conversation, the only recourse you have available is to wait and see. Research shows that people's opinions change in adulthood - but that these changes can take years. Decades, even
22/ that can seem like an insane thing, to wait a decade to see someone's opinion shift. But as @cvaldary points out - caring for one another is the only way to build a robust society
23/ Much like science, it's a long game. The seeds of tolerance, debate, and consideration that you plant in every single conversation are the harvest that will be reaped by generations to come
