The irony of September being #SuicidePreventionMonth is not lost on me. Four years ago today, I woke up feeling that sense of calm and resolve that comes with knowing you have a plan and you’re going to carry it out and it’s all just going to end soon. /1

I remember thinking how fast I’d have to run to break through the glass in my therapist’s 10th floor office on my way there. I was open and honest with him about it and was told he was going to have to call the hospital or police. /2

I remember feeling more resolved than ever after hearing that. I told him it would be over before they even got here if he called. I left his office, walked the twenty minutes to work, and did a half work day (Friday before Labor Day). Whole time, I had that sitting with me. /3

I think I even laughed a bit that day. We had our office lunch. I sat in a room of colleagues, eating, just acting like I wasn’t going to go home and swallow a bottle of Tylenol PM with a bottle of wine. I even took a photo to make sure my eyes weren’t red from crying. /4

I remember leaving my office and the heaviness hit again. I was on the bus home and had to get off because I was crying. I got in an Uber and texted a friend and my Mom. My Mom later told me that she knew something was wrong and started to panic. /5

My Mom convinced me to go to the ER at the hospital 10 mins away. We waited for hours. My Mom called me Daddy and my aunt, who is an NP. I visited the ER intake nurse. She said I had no reason to be sad or so this because I was pretty and sounded smart. I almost left. /6

I was finally shuffled to a side room to do psych unit intake. Another person was in the room and security was called b/c they had behavioral issues. The intake coordinator made me feel like shit, questioning why I was there, too. I was in a daze and overwhelmed. /7

I could only see two people at a time. My Dad mainly stayed with me. I remember leaning against him as I sat in the chair and him rubbing my arm, praying for me. He told me God wouldn’t give me a mountain I couldn’t move. I was just sobbing the whole time. /8

I was also freaked out because I did have a bag packed but they made me select only a few things. I had to remove all laces and strings from everything. Thankfully I had on a pair of Toms, but I still have the hoodies from that day with no strings. /9

I lost it when they told me I couldn’t bring my Cross and Rosary. I thought I could bring them to protect me. That’s when the fear set in and I wanted to back out but I had gone so far that I knew I had to see it through. I was put in a chair, said bye to my fam. /10

The next few days in the unit were hell. I need to step back and process what today means, but I’ll continue to re-tell that story because it was a turning point and has traumatized me forever. I was admitted on Sept 3 at 12:47am. #SuicidePrevention #SuicidePreventionMonth