Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.

The first is about your own healing.

The second offers a possibility (not always possible nor desirable) for the healing of the relationship.

The first depends only on you.

The second is a two way process.

You can open a door to reconciliation. You can’t force the other to walk through it.

Victims do not owe their abusers reconciliation.

Forgiveness - which is not letting someone “off the hook”, but removing the hook from one’s self, is primarily for the sake of the victim.

Forgiveness is not excusing or justifying an act. It is not minimizing its impact. It is not pretending not to be hurt or to be fully healed.

It is not wishing the abuser well.

It is beginning the process of setting boundaries around the harm and saying “this goes no further”

This behaviour does not continue. Retaliation and revenge does not continue. The toxin of this act does not spread further within or through me.

Forgiveness is about the healing of the victim.

The possibility of change in the abuser may be a hope but it is not the goal.

The abusers healing is a separate journey and is never the responsibility of the victim.

So the choice to forgive - it’s timing and process - are determined by the victim, not the abuser.

This can require much time. Much support and help given to the one seeking healing.

Because of their understanding of what forgiveness is, who it’s for and in whose power it lies, some may never choose “forgiveness” but almost all desire healing - and that should always be the first priority.

Often, separation / exclusion are necessary for that healing.

Ultimately, I see forgiveness as beginning with the desire “not to become that which has harmed me.”

This early morning musing brought to you by last night’s Bible Study in which many good insights were offered and questions asked.