Yesterday I received a(nother) grant rejection. And normally I'm okay with that. I appreciate it's part of the process. It's not personal. And failures demonstrate that you're trying. That's all good stuff. I think I can fail with the best of them. This one feels different 1/10

The grant was submitted in June. During lockdown. I thought it was an achievement just to have got the grant in, but now I feel gutted - both about the wasted time on the application, and the lost opportunity for not having won the grant. Here's why: 2/10

The application was co-PIed by two mothers of young children. During a period when the nation had woken up to the hugely asymmetrical impact of lockdown on the careers of mothers of young children. 3/10

The grant was to support (supportive) research with people who had given birth, at a point when new parents are reeling from the trauma of giving birth during a pandemic. And not new parents were reeling from the trauma of balancing work and childcare during lockdown. 4/10

The grant was to fund a (named) RA in a precarious work situation, at a point when precarity is particularly concerning given the reduction in HP contracts. 5/10

The grant would have funded support writing up research at a time when the co-PI and I are juggling young children and online teaching, and likely to see our publication output fall behind colleagues without caring responsibilities. 6/10

We had a glowing reference from a well respected expert in the field. 7/10

And yes, the rational part of my brain is sure we were trumped by others with more exciting plans and more exciting CVs who deserved their grants. The rational part of my brain also knows that I am a competent scholar and at some point I will be one of the winners. 8/10

But right now I feel cross and guilty that at a time when I had no childcare support I spent late nights and time when I should have been engaging with the kids, filling out that application. In all honesty, it probably wasn't as polished as it should have been as a result. 9/10

I love my job. But sometimes the blows are hard. 10/10