Psst if your friend is having a hard time and you don't know how to respond and it's uncomfortable so you're tempted to fall back on some cheery platitude

May I suggest simply saying, "I'm sorry, that really sucks"

(Reword as needed, do not @ me about hating social scripts)

As a chronically ill person, there's often social pressure to perform wellness even when I feel like crap

"How are you"

"I'm fine"

(I am probably not fine)

People want to chat with me about what's going on in my life

but a lot of abled people think that if I speak honestly about how much my body hurts or my physical therapy or trying to find a doctor

then I'm "complaining" or "always negative"

Then there are people who want to know what's going on, but their impulse is to *fix* the problem

(Hi, it me, I have been working on this)

And so I get a lot of unsolicited advice about alkaline water

Because people want to help, & feel good about helping

This is not helpful

Or there are friends who are socially awkward or whatever and don't know what to say and blurt out the first thing they think of

Which, again, is about making the problem go away so we can stop being uncomfortable

(Have I also done this? Yes)

There are also people who I guess don't have to deal with systemic ableism that often, so they're super shocked

"I can't believe that happened to you!"

These people always want you to report the problem, which is often energy I don't have

Plus the medical system as it currently exists is fundamentally broken, so reporting things which are Not Okay but also pretty common is tilting at windmills

But I digress

Anyway, if someone is venting to you about whatever, just validating that yes that thing is bad can be a huge relief

(I mean unless it's not that bad but that's a separate issue)

Obviously tailor this to your own situation and relationships, but if you're absolutely stuck and your friend is going through some tough stuff, it's hard to go wrong with some variation of "I'm sorry, that really sucks"

Also the other day someone on here had a suggestion for if you're low on words and responding via text, which is a blue heart emoji because it conveys both love and sadness

I wish I could remember who because I want to credit/thank them but my memory is not great

"Oh no" is also a good sympathetic response to venting and you can add more o's for emphasis

Oh I forget another common response to venting, which is to share a relatable story that happened to you

This is one where you've really got to know your audience, because some people really hate this because they see it as recentering the conversation on your feelings

Personally I don't mind it for the most part, but again this is very much a "know your audience" thing

Sometimes if I share a traumatic thing and other people share related trauma, it's just a giant trigger fest so like I said use caution

Also I am a work in progress and sometimes I blurt out a relatable story anyway, and I have found that if I say something like "I'm sorry, I was sharing a relatable story to express empathy, I'm not trying to make this about me" most people are cool with that

If the person venting is talking about say, bigotry or systemic issues about a marginalized identity you don't share

Do Not, if at all possible, share a relatable story about your own marginalized identity

*especially* if you are white and your friend is venting about racism

Just trust me, do not do this, there is too much history of white people using racism as a metaphor for oppression we experience while doing jack shit about racism

~ Topic shift ~

Since this is resonating with a lot of Autistic people, just wanted to say that if you're in a friendship where you are always the sympathetic listener but never the one who gets to vent

That is a potential red flag

Usually it either means

1) you have been conditioned to be a people pleaser and don't feel comfortable opening up to your friend or just don't know how

2) your "friend" is using you for validation and endless support, but is not actually your friend

Also if you have enough experiences with situation #2 (above), it can make situation #1 more likely in your other relationships

If you don't know which applies, there's a fairly simple way to check

Tell your friend that you've noticed that when you talk, you don't usually vent and ask them to help you work on that

Then see if they actually do check in with you more, or if they just say they will

If you're trying to figure out how to be more open about your feelings after a lifetime of masking your neurodivergent etc, then that is an entirely different Twitter thread which hopefully I will write soon

Also given the pandemic, right now I have an inside cane and an outside cane, so I don't have to disinfect my cane every time I go out.

If you're looking for a cane, my biggest advice is to get one with a comfortable handle

Also, dropping canes is super common and annoying. I find getting a tripod cane tip more helpful than the little wrist strap. YMMV.

I know we hate Goodwill because of the whole "pays their disabled people a sub minimum wage" bullshit, but they often have used mobility aids for sale for not much money

Pharmacies often have canes also, and you can try different handles to see which is comfortable for you

I resisted getting a cane for a really long time because I felt like I "didn't need it" because technically I can walk without one

Then I caved because they were on sale and there was ice in the parking lot

My only regret is not getting one sooner

You might also want to look up the proper posture for using a cane (it's supposed to go on your good side)

Personally that doesn't work for me because the shoulder on my good hip side just cannot keep up with cane use