ok I'm going to have some emotions about "circling" but I am not going to explain what it is in advance

one, because I don't fully understand it

and two, because I just want to vent and not bother actually communicating information

maybe this should go on my angry alt but

descriptions of circling that I've read or heard from others have always been...mildly intriguing, but mostly squicked me out/made me feel somewhat wary of ever doing it

a few years ago there was a local "circling event" that FB told me a few friends were attending, and I thought about going

but then there was this other acquaintance attending and I noped the fuck out because the idea of "authentically relating" with him in the room repulsed me

there was an opportunity to do a bit over zoom this week with somebody I'm passingly familiar with

it sounded maybe interesting, I felt a little less squicked out at the thought than usual

but ultimately changed my mind -- I am trying not to do any mind-altering or meditation-adjacent stuff seems moderately-to-highly likely to destabilize me while I'm pregnant

and I suspect that I am susceptible to being destabilized by Circling

today I actually watched a few videos of circling sessions

2 ten minute videos, and 10-15min of a longer one

I kind of expected to be a little repulsed by it but tried to chill tf out and suspend judgement

could not

this stuff

feels

fake

as

shit!

I suspect that the makeup of the group matters a lot but my god what the hell it reminds me of talking to a salesperson/therapist hybrid but it's worse because it's a group setting

I can probably never actually attend a circling session bc I'm pretty sure I'd leave in disgust or make somebody cry in a bad way

the flavor of my disgust is similar to my disgust with most ASMR but particularly ASMR that's intimacy-oriented

I've checked it out to see what the appeal is

blatant perversion of a real, good thing. fake cargo culting bullshit.

also suspect that circling is a fucking *magnet* for the sneakiest kind of manipulative asshole

if I put myself into the shoes of someone in one of the videos I watched, I predict that I would feel cornered as hell

again, mostly would be fighting intense pressure to not hurt feelings, in conflict with the desire to say the cruelest shit I could think of just to get a bit of the pressure off

these feelings are also identical to the ones I had in the few kink (or heavily influenced by kink) social events I have been to

and also similar to the worst encounters I've had in church

fake fake fake manipulative ass shit

it is mimicking a real and beautiful dynamic of interpersonal optionality and trust that I have with some of my closest friends and loved ones

but doing it in a way that makes my skin crawl

this is one of the videos I watched

one girl in particular was the focus of much of the segment that I saw

how *anybody* looks at this and doesn't see tendrils of creeping social pressure and coercion winding through the room is fucking beyond me

like do you just not see it?

do you not see the *pushing* and *grabbing* at her?

it's not like I can't have the kind of intimate social dynamic I think they're Trying to get here

I have it with a few close friends, my spouse, and other loved ones

where this kind of reporting on the interactions and meta-interactions is possible and safe and good

but this is not a type of interaction that is just....good all the time and with all people!

if I ever do go to a circling event it will be to casually point out how people are being gross manipulative assholes at one another the entire time