Thread by @SalmanAlSaigal, i just cancelled on a client who didnt sign the contract for [...]

i just cancelled on a client who didnt sign the contract for 21 days despite me reminding them every other day
and now im jobless, broke, unmotivated, and generally hate my life

feeling like shit today isnt really news, as im sure you my dear followers already know, i haven't been well for weeks now

let's have a little chat, no?

usually, as you surely agree, im not the happiest of guys. even when everything is fine, i would still have my occasional episodes of big sad

you know my not-so-great-memory, so i cant really remember how i was before circa 2013, but i do think i've always been like this

make that 2012, would you?
i just remembered one disturbing conversation from 2012

it's probably my childhood, dear follower. it's the classic story we all went through.
growing in a dysfunctional 13-siblings-way-older-than-you family rarely does well to your psyche, im sure you will agree.

it attacks you on 2 flanks
1- nobody spends time with you cuz of age gap
2- you tend to remember at your dad's funeral that you have never had a proper conversation with him

yeah also some of my closest friends dont know, but my dad passed away last December.

wow it seems so recent but its almost a year now. time flies.

now where were we, dear follower?

i rather think im an ok guy, you know. i do not regularly launder money or commit war-crimes. i might not be perfect, but at least i'm ok-ish.

but children do be children, and they do be sponges, don't you agree?
growing up where everyone is ordering you hither and thither, forming 0 emotional connections, and occasionally calling you dumb, rather do make you loathe yourself.

you being the smart cookie that you are, i'm sure you already understand, dear follower, but do allow me clarify something.
loathing yourself is not the worst part. the worst part is thinking everyone else is better than you, and thinking you deserve it.

and here is the funny thing. it doesnt go away. that is still what i think.

"deserve" is a funny word, dear follower. a sad kind of funny.

i still remember how deeply sad i felt when a professor would praise me in university.
i would like to dwell on this a little more, if you would bear with me, dear follower.

i would like to tell you a typical scenario from my university days. i'm an IT nerd, as you might have surmised, dear follower.
most technical stuff they taught us in university were not new to me. i had learned them on my own already.

so you might find it a little shocking to know that until my last year, most of my professors thought i was kinda dumb.
i would not participate in class even though i knew most answers. Maybe if no one knew the answer and the professor insisted, i would, but not regularly.

i did this because i wasn't good enough, you know. i didnt want to "disturb the class by answering". i mean "surely everyone knows the answer. i don't want to be a show-off". later in life, i found out that no. they had no clue.
kinda funny. again, the sad funny.

you will notice, dear follower, i said i would answer if no one would. this sometimes lead to the professor praising me.
i should be proud of myself and be happy, right?

afraid not.
it only lead to a, shockingly sudden, overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. i would have an air of despair cast on the rest of my day. paradoxical, huh?
thats the mind for you. i thought i didn't "deserve" it. here is that funny word again!

one year we worked our asses off at the Music Club. when it was time to announce the winners, we knew we would get 1st place.
i got this self-hate episode because of it and i drew myself away from my friends at the time of the announcement.
i wasn't in any of the photos.

after celebrating, they found me sitting at the piano. i couldnt really explain to them why i left in a hurry, and why i was playing "such depressing music".
i'm sure some of them would be reading this now and having an "aha!" moment about what that all was.

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