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I have the worst dating story that has "pray for you" as the backbone.
Usually tell this in person, but here it is in a thread: https://twitter.com/snickelsox/status/1300624966774329344
Usually tell this in person, but here it is in a thread: https://twitter.com/snickelsox/status/1300624966774329344
The year was 2006. It was a simpler time. The Killers had a top hit with "When You Were Young" and Gnarls Barkley was hitting their stride with "Crazy".
I was a young lad at community college and I fancied a girl who we'll call Jen for this story...
I was a young lad at community college and I fancied a girl who we'll call Jen for this story...
We hung out with the same lunch group, each of us a satellite friend of the core group. Don't remember what it was I liked about her, but my nervous geeky 18 year old ass finally mustered up the courage to ask her on a date.
"Sure, can you pick me up at my house?" she asked...
"Sure, can you pick me up at my house?" she asked...
Cut to me pulling up to her home in my bitchin' 1995 Subaru Outback Legacy.
Her house is in a nice neighborhood. Typical Arizona beige 2 story home.
I go to the door and ring the bell and am welcomed to the home by the following cast:
Her house is in a nice neighborhood. Typical Arizona beige 2 story home.
I go to the door and ring the bell and am welcomed to the home by the following cast:
Jen's Dad: Huge dude that looked like a K-Mart version of Terry Crews
Jen's Mom: Looked innocent enough
Parent's Family Friend 1: I honestly can't really remember what she looked like.
Parent's Family Friend 2: Middle age dude wearing a "Jesus is my homeboy shirt"
Jen's Mom: Looked innocent enough
Parent's Family Friend 1: I honestly can't really remember what she looked like.
Parent's Family Friend 2: Middle age dude wearing a "Jesus is my homeboy shirt"
They welcomed me in politely, but PFF2's shirt stuck out to me for some reason and I pondered: "Oh, I didn't know Jen's family was religious".
I enter the home and am directed to the living room, where there is a full wall mural of Jesus with a crown of thorns...
I enter the home and am directed to the living room, where there is a full wall mural of Jesus with a crown of thorns...
Turns out Jen's family is very religious. Pentecostal Christians.
For those that don't know, Pentecostal is the Redbull + Vodka version of Christianity. They do the dancing, singing, snakes (some of them). High energy peeps.
I am sat down on the couch and surrounded...
For those that don't know, Pentecostal is the Redbull + Vodka version of Christianity. They do the dancing, singing, snakes (some of them). High energy peeps.
I am sat down on the couch and surrounded...
Jen's upstairs, so I wait for the interview to start...
Jen's Dad: So, how do you know my daughter?
Me: Oh, we go to college together.
JD: Oh that's good, that's good. What are you going to college for?
Me: Elementary Education.
JD: Oh that's good, that's good...
Jen's Dad: So, how do you know my daughter?
Me: Oh, we go to college together.
JD: Oh that's good, that's good. What are you going to college for?
Me: Elementary Education.
JD: Oh that's good, that's good...
I can feel the hammer click back on the next question.
JD: What religion are you?
He and mural Jesus stare at me, waiting for an answer.
Now I was agnostic. Still am. The Swiss of all religions. I decide to be truthful with the guy who can fold me like paper at a whim...
JD: What religion are you?
He and mural Jesus stare at me, waiting for an answer.
Now I was agnostic. Still am. The Swiss of all religions. I decide to be truthful with the guy who can fold me like paper at a whim...
He pauses. Jesus pauses behind him. They both purse their lips as they digest that word: "Agnostic".
I can feel the other three staring at him and me as the universe begins to reach it's boiling point.
JD: Agnostic?
I brace for impact. Instant ejection from the home...
I can feel the other three staring at him and me as the universe begins to reach it's boiling point.
JD: Agnostic?
I brace for impact. Instant ejection from the home...
BUT, he doesn't.
INSTEAD, he goes into full gym membership salesman mode.
JD: Tell you what Matt (my name is Patrick, btw), I want you to go home tonight and try to let Mohammad and Buddha and whoever else is out there in your heart...
INSTEAD, he goes into full gym membership salesman mode.
JD: Tell you what Matt (my name is Patrick, btw), I want you to go home tonight and try to let Mohammad and Buddha and whoever else is out there in your heart...
JD: ...but then tomorrow night, I want you to let our lord and savior Jesus into your heart. And, I don't want to tell what will happen but...
*Stares at me with the intensity of the sun beating down on Mercury*
JD: ...I know who will win.
*Stares at me with the intensity of the sun beating down on Mercury*
JD: ...I know who will win.
Me: Oh... okay.
*Spoiler: I didn't*
But Jen comes down stairs, ready for the date. Or so I thought.
She sits there quietly as her dad continues the church/gym pitch... for another 45 minutes.
My awkward ass grins and bears this, trying to be a good guest.
*Spoiler: I didn't*
But Jen comes down stairs, ready for the date. Or so I thought.
She sits there quietly as her dad continues the church/gym pitch... for another 45 minutes.
My awkward ass grins and bears this, trying to be a good guest.
We finally hit the point where Jen says "I'm getting hungry, did you want to get going?"
YES PLEASE GOD YES PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE
Me: "Okay, sure."
But I was not allowed to leave yet, as Jen's Mom approaches...
YES PLEASE GOD YES PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE PLEASE
Me: "Okay, sure."
But I was not allowed to leave yet, as Jen's Mom approaches...
Jen's Mom: Hey Matt (again, I'm Patrick). Do you mind if we pray for you?
I thought they meant that when they had their own dinner (with Jesus watching) they would be like "God bless America, Our Family, and Matt/Patrick"
So my ignorant ass said "Sure".
I thought they meant that when they had their own dinner (with Jesus watching) they would be like "God bless America, Our Family, and Matt/Patrick"
So my ignorant ass said "Sure".
A chair appears in the center of the room and I'm directed to sit in it. I nervously comply.
Then, THE FIVE OF THEM LINK HANDS AND FORM A PENTAGON OF HOLINESS AROUND ME.
JD starts shout praying: "DEAR LORD! PLEASE HELP US GUIDE MATT (patrick) AS HE..."
Then, THE FIVE OF THEM LINK HANDS AND FORM A PENTAGON OF HOLINESS AROUND ME.
JD starts shout praying: "DEAR LORD! PLEASE HELP US GUIDE MATT (patrick) AS HE..."
Everyone else is silent, head down in prayer. The closest exit is behind JD, who again is store brand Terry Crews huge, and I don't think I'm going to win this game of red rover to try to exit.
So I steel up and endure the prayer... all 20 awkward minutes of it.
So I steel up and endure the prayer... all 20 awkward minutes of it.
Prayer ends, I'm allowed to leave on the date with Jen, and we get into my ballin' 1995 Subaru Outback Legacy.
I stay silent as I make sure I'm a safe distance away from the house (about a half mile) before I say to Jen:
"Your family is... interesting."
I stay silent as I make sure I'm a safe distance away from the house (about a half mile) before I say to Jen:
"Your family is... interesting."
Keep in mind, Jen had participated physically in these events, but didn't say anything.
I'm expecting two outcomes:
"Sorry, my family can be a little excessive sometimes. I'm not like that."
or
"When are you coming to the church!? Jesus wants you there! JOIN US! JOIN US!"
I'm expecting two outcomes:
"Sorry, my family can be a little excessive sometimes. I'm not like that."
or
"When are you coming to the church!? Jesus wants you there! JOIN US! JOIN US!"
Instead, I get a third option.
Jen: "Yeah."
Flat toned, doesn't lean one way or the other.
WHAT!?!
Rest of the date went quiet and awkward. I dropped her off at home and sped away from the beige house before JD could come outside and bench press my car for more hostage time
Jen: "Yeah."
Flat toned, doesn't lean one way or the other.
WHAT!?!
Rest of the date went quiet and awkward. I dropped her off at home and sped away from the beige house before JD could come outside and bench press my car for more hostage time
Jen and I don't date again after that, but there's a nice little kicker to this story...
That week, at the college, I'm reciting this train wreck of a dating story to a mutual friend of ours who has known Jen since high school.
I get to the part about me saying I was agnostic and she interrupts me to ask
"Did they put the oil on you too?"
I get to the part about me saying I was agnostic and she interrupts me to ask
"Did they put the oil on you too?"
Turns out that she went to her house once and got the same interview, like me.
Unlike me, she said she was Atheist. Which I guess was the wrong answer to say in front of mural Jesus...
Unlike me, she said she was Atheist. Which I guess was the wrong answer to say in front of mural Jesus...
The family was so shocked by this answer that Jen's mom had gone to the cupboard, pulled out some large of holy oil that they had on hand (incase of emergencies like this...
and proceeded to smear it on her (the friend) face to cleanse her of the bad stoof.
What. The. Fuck.
and proceeded to smear it on her (the friend) face to cleanse her of the bad stoof.
What. The. Fuck.
