Read on Twitter
We accidentally kidnapped an elderly woman.
We were very high. We hadn't been sober for 4 days. And don't feel too sympathetic for this wicked old crone, she had a surprisingly aggressive cockney accent.
Before you judge us harshly, ask yourself this - what would you have done?
We were very high. We hadn't been sober for 4 days. And don't feel too sympathetic for this wicked old crone, she had a surprisingly aggressive cockney accent.
Before you judge us harshly, ask yourself this - what would you have done?
(Had to change over to the Macbook because I smashed my phone against the wall repeatedly in a regrettable fury. It's in about a hundred different pieces. Yet another thing Corbyn is responsible for. I'll buy another one tomorrow. Thanks again for bearing with me through this 
)
)
We'd probably have gotten away with it but, in our drug-addled state, we made one crucial wrong move. We broke into the @StreathamRovers clubhouse. You can see how out of it we both were because the wine they stock in that place is like weedkiller. Well, unfortunately they...
captured our (let's put no finer point on this) drug-fuelled orgy of sex and vandalism on CCTV. Remarkably they didn't seem to recognise us in spite of the fact Oliver had been doing pro bono legal work for the vile little football club for a couple of years.
Did freedom beckon?
Did freedom beckon?
No.
Unfortunately... it's so hard to type these words... unfortunately... oh god I'm hurting so much, my heart feels as if it may rupture... my poor sweet husband, my Oliver, I believe in an act of bravado only possible because the constant threat of Momentum Thugs emasculated him,
confessed everything to a close friend of ours. A close friend many of you will know from his viral tweet successes on this very website. @DrRobertZands. "The Tweet Doctor". Oliver told him everything. The drugs, the sex, the kidnapping, the urinating on the football pitch.
Unfortunately Robert has an untreatable condition where he is addicted to the instant quantitative gratification of social media. Some call it retweetoholism. The damned fool just couldn't resist. He had seen other direct message screenshot exposés rake in thousands of retweets.
The first I learnt of it was Rob tweeting snippets of this conversation between him and Oliver one night, tagging in the football club, posting salacious captions. I was confused. I was scared. Rob wouldn't stop, demented by a sheer lust for Twitter success. Utterly animalistic.
And you know what hurts most? Not the fact that Oliver ended up in jail. Not the fact that I had to do 200 hours community service scrubbing graffiti in south Croydon. And not even the fact Rob barely mustered 20 retweets in total (though that does sting). https://twitter.com/DrRobertZands/status/1258495658971009028
It's the fact that the Corbynistas laughed at us. Those deranged, demented, disgusting dogs.
I can't even bring myself to visit Oliver in prison. I know he won't survive it and I just can't bear the thought of watching his descent.
I would give anything to have my life back.
I can't even bring myself to visit Oliver in prison. I know he won't survive it and I just can't bear the thought of watching his descent.
I would give anything to have my life back.
I'd like to thank you all for your messages of support.
Kidnapping ordeals are so hard to bounce back from, but I am a fighter. I'm piecing my life back together.
Nowadays I concentrate on essential charitable voluntary work such as the #ExtendTheVictoriaLineToNorbury campaign.
Kidnapping ordeals are so hard to bounce back from, but I am a fighter. I'm piecing my life back together.
Nowadays I concentrate on essential charitable voluntary work such as the #ExtendTheVictoriaLineToNorbury campaign.
