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Know me as a composer for sure, but don& #39;t consider me a part of the new music scene (including #newmusictwitter). I don& #39;t hate them, I& #39;m adjacent.
It& #39;s just better for my career to not be completely immersed. Here& #39;s why.
thread, I guess?
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It& #39;s just better for my career to not be completely immersed. Here& #39;s why.
thread, I guess?
1/??
This analysis boils down to the question of what is it like to be a QPoC w/ PTSD composer of what can be considered "new music"
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The small size of this community, the distribution of money & power, and the way we foster discussions creates a situation that feels like I& #39;m walking on eggshells.
Gossip travels fast and soc. media encourages us to be quick to judge. It& #39;s very easy to get a reputation.
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Gossip travels fast and soc. media encourages us to be quick to judge. It& #39;s very easy to get a reputation.
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And one area of concern I have is that we perhaps actually write about racism & DEI a little bit too much. A lot of folks in this field have demonstrated a fundamental lack of understanding for effective racial justice. So what is the answer to that problem?
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Here& #39;s what& #39;s not the answer: writing about it. Instead, we need to read. Countless folks, especially anti-capitalist Black women, have spent their lives specializing in anti-racist work, and left libraries full of literature to read.
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We have no reason to be rewriting the ideas they developed with 1/50th of their expertise just because we& #39;re musicians in this community and they& #39;re not. And that leads us to a big problem I felt in this community. It& #39;s insularity.
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It& #39;s critical for me to avoid being insulated in any one community. As a human being of several marginalizations (queer, arab, Druze, leftist, gendery, PTSD, musician), I need to be in a variety of communities to make sure each facet of my identity can be expressed.
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Going back to being unqualified, I feel like we have a problem with people being overconfident in their understanding of anti-capitalist and anti-racist work - and folks abuse that by using their power to spread ideas that do more harm to PoC than good.
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tl:dr on that point: Most new music folks are completely unqualified to be influencers on DEI initiatives. We need to write fewer think pieces and read more by anti-racists outside of the newmusic community.
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But that& #39;s background for my point, not the point itself. Which is that I prefer to be adjacent, not immersed in new music communities.
Because of what I stated, unqualified social justice advocates have unearned trust in the music community due to power they hold.
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Because of what I stated, unqualified social justice advocates have unearned trust in the music community due to power they hold.
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This leads to a prevalence of aggressions that are reinforced by the folks claiming to be against the very structures placed against me.
One of my biggest pet peeves is trying to contribute to a conversation and being completely ignored as the only PoC for example.
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One of my biggest pet peeves is trying to contribute to a conversation and being completely ignored as the only PoC for example.
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Another pet peeve, is sharing ideas for making money & being mocked for it. For example, I was told in college that a certain art song will never make a dime. I since sold multiple performances w/ royalties.
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Essentially that& #39;s a racist & classist aggression that mocks me for trying to raise money as a composer, and folks tend to twist that to make me look like I& #39;m pro-capitalist. No, I need money to survive. I can& #39;t afford to not think about that.
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Here are a few beliefs that actually gatekeep this field and makes folks like me feel unwelcome:
1. You can& #39;t make money off of music.
2. The field is oversaturated with composers.
3. You must like/respect this composer/ensemble/group
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1. You can& #39;t make money off of music.
2. The field is oversaturated with composers.
3. You must like/respect this composer/ensemble/group
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My response to 1. Freelancing on my own terms has been my only option. And it& #39;s pretty clear to me that expressing myself through music is as essential to my health as medicine.
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But I& #39;m also in a situation where I have to make as much money as possible because I& #39;m not making a living wage. It& #39;s either get a job and stop music - which has forced mental health crises in the past - or freelance and make it work. Guess which one I took.
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(Please don& #39;t tell me to get a 9-5 that& #39;ll respect my boundaries & compose on weekends unless you& #39;re personally going to offer me that job.)
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Point # 2: We have too much of the same type of musicians because we have one standard we& #39;re all prescribed and our individuality is therefore compromised. We have too many white musicians from the midwest that come from money, and not enough diversity.
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Finally #3, the worst one. New Music economically is a scam. There is no meritocracy in this field - or any field rather. I will not praise someone or something simply because they& #39;re popular in this field.
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Racism forces me to be skeptical and paranoid. I will not take what I can get when that involves working with folks who have a racist track record. Oh and basically everyone has a racist track record.
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Because of that, I& #39;ve felt extra paranoid because my values don& #39;t match the values of my peers and I& #39;m denied trust in favor of someone granted immunity from racism because they pay lip service to diversity. Aggressions are common and make me feel like I& #39;m pushed to a corner
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And when I& #39;m pushed to a corner, I often lash out. Which has gotten me in trouble in the past and led me to write words I& #39;m not proud of. But that& #39;s partially the result of being in a constant trauma response.
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So my solution is to honestly avoid immersion in music communities for the sake of being a musician and having separation from the community because gossip travels fast, everyone has a reputation, and I need to feel safe. It gives me more control of my narrative.
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And like I said, I need to make music to live & I need to make money. I hope this thread was helpful and makes people feel like it& #39;s ok to not identitify fully with the community. It& #39;s ok to avoid groups, create a separate account, and hold your privacy.
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I& #39;m really glad folks are responding well to this thread & Welcome new friends who followed me! I just want to add on that I have a patreon and need 3 more $10 patrons if I want to pay my bills next month. There& #39;s a lot more writing here: http://www.patreon.com/nebalmaysaud ">https://www.patreon.com/nebalmays...
