Read on Twitter
Know me as a composer for sure, but don't consider me a part of the new music scene (including #newmusictwitter). I don't hate them, I'm adjacent.
It's just better for my career to not be completely immersed. Here's why.
thread, I guess?
1/??
It's just better for my career to not be completely immersed. Here's why.
thread, I guess?
1/??
This analysis boils down to the question of what is it like to be a QPoC w/ PTSD composer of what can be considered "new music"
2/
2/
The small size of this community, the distribution of money & power, and the way we foster discussions creates a situation that feels like I'm walking on eggshells.
Gossip travels fast and soc. media encourages us to be quick to judge. It's very easy to get a reputation.
3/
Gossip travels fast and soc. media encourages us to be quick to judge. It's very easy to get a reputation.
3/
And one area of concern I have is that we perhaps actually write about racism & DEI a little bit too much. A lot of folks in this field have demonstrated a fundamental lack of understanding for effective racial justice. So what is the answer to that problem?
4/
4/
Here's what's not the answer: writing about it. Instead, we need to read. Countless folks, especially anti-capitalist Black women, have spent their lives specializing in anti-racist work, and left libraries full of literature to read.
5/
5/
We have no reason to be rewriting the ideas they developed with 1/50th of their expertise just because we're musicians in this community and they're not. And that leads us to a big problem I felt in this community. It's insularity.
6/
6/
It's critical for me to avoid being insulated in any one community. As a human being of several marginalizations (queer, arab, Druze, leftist, gendery, PTSD, musician), I need to be in a variety of communities to make sure each facet of my identity can be expressed.
7/
7/
Going back to being unqualified, I feel like we have a problem with people being overconfident in their understanding of anti-capitalist and anti-racist work - and folks abuse that by using their power to spread ideas that do more harm to PoC than good.
8/
8/
tl:dr on that point: Most new music folks are completely unqualified to be influencers on DEI initiatives. We need to write fewer think pieces and read more by anti-racists outside of the newmusic community.
9/
9/
But that's background for my point, not the point itself. Which is that I prefer to be adjacent, not immersed in new music communities.
Because of what I stated, unqualified social justice advocates have unearned trust in the music community due to power they hold.
10/
Because of what I stated, unqualified social justice advocates have unearned trust in the music community due to power they hold.
10/
This leads to a prevalence of aggressions that are reinforced by the folks claiming to be against the very structures placed against me.
One of my biggest pet peeves is trying to contribute to a conversation and being completely ignored as the only PoC for example.
11/
One of my biggest pet peeves is trying to contribute to a conversation and being completely ignored as the only PoC for example.
11/
Another pet peeve, is sharing ideas for making money & being mocked for it. For example, I was told in college that a certain art song will never make a dime. I since sold multiple performances w/ royalties.
12/
12/
Essentially that's a racist & classist aggression that mocks me for trying to raise money as a composer, and folks tend to twist that to make me look like I'm pro-capitalist. No, I need money to survive. I can't afford to not think about that.
13/
13/
Here are a few beliefs that actually gatekeep this field and makes folks like me feel unwelcome:
1. You can't make money off of music.
2. The field is oversaturated with composers.
3. You must like/respect this composer/ensemble/group
14/
1. You can't make money off of music.
2. The field is oversaturated with composers.
3. You must like/respect this composer/ensemble/group
14/
My response to 1. Freelancing on my own terms has been my only option. And it's pretty clear to me that expressing myself through music is as essential to my health as medicine.
15/
15/
But I'm also in a situation where I have to make as much money as possible because I'm not making a living wage. It's either get a job and stop music - which has forced mental health crises in the past - or freelance and make it work. Guess which one I took.
16/
16/
(Please don't tell me to get a 9-5 that'll respect my boundaries & compose on weekends unless you're personally going to offer me that job.)
17/
17/
Point # 2: We have too much of the same type of musicians because we have one standard we're all prescribed and our individuality is therefore compromised. We have too many white musicians from the midwest that come from money, and not enough diversity.
18/
18/
Finally #3, the worst one. New Music economically is a scam. There is no meritocracy in this field - or any field rather. I will not praise someone or something simply because they're popular in this field.
19/
19/
Racism forces me to be skeptical and paranoid. I will not take what I can get when that involves working with folks who have a racist track record. Oh and basically everyone has a racist track record.
20/
20/
Because of that, I've felt extra paranoid because my values don't match the values of my peers and I'm denied trust in favor of someone granted immunity from racism because they pay lip service to diversity. Aggressions are common and make me feel like I'm pushed to a corner
21/
21/
And when I'm pushed to a corner, I often lash out. Which has gotten me in trouble in the past and led me to write words I'm not proud of. But that's partially the result of being in a constant trauma response.
22/
22/
So my solution is to honestly avoid immersion in music communities for the sake of being a musician and having separation from the community because gossip travels fast, everyone has a reputation, and I need to feel safe. It gives me more control of my narrative.
23
23
And like I said, I need to make music to live & I need to make money. I hope this thread was helpful and makes people feel like it's ok to not identitify fully with the community. It's ok to avoid groups, create a separate account, and hold your privacy.
24/end
24/end
I'm really glad folks are responding well to this thread & Welcome new friends who followed me! I just want to add on that I have a patreon and need 3 more $10 patrons if I want to pay my bills next month. There's a lot more writing here: http://www.patreon.com/nebalmaysaud
