Well, retired day one.

I still got up same time.

I had coffee.

Twice.

Now what?

DON'T WORRY.

I'm not having dinner at 4:30!

But I did have oatmeal at 10.

What time is lunch?

I still don't wanna clip my toenails though.

Maybe I'll sort my meds.

I could make masks.

Have to learn how to sew, first.

There's this thing though about men knitting.

But I might poke my eye out so nah.

Of course, I finished my script yesterday.

Will be weeks before I get comments.

I'm worrying a little about lunch.

Maybe I should go to the store.

I went yesterday, though.

I could get a plant.

Then I would have something to water.

But I murder plants, so maybe no.

Somebody have me a puzzle.

But it's 1000 pieces.

I got one corner then threw it away.

I could shop.

But I'm wearing sweat pants for six months.

I haven't called some friends in months.

I still don't want to though.

It's just another trump-kill-yourself convo.

I might take some selfies.

But I have 93,4422 pictures in my phone.

One isn't me I swear.

At least in the house I don't have to wear a mask.

I might need more, though.

I really like @StringKing

As much as you like a mask.

Except you really have to treat them like diapers.

Maybe I'll do a load of masks.

Could be a waste of water though.

Don't tell the environmentalists.

No Italy this year.

No trying on crazy sunglasses.

Sucks.

Last year I saw this cool thing.

Like a mini fanny pack for your arm.

But it was really tight.

The sales person adjusted it as large as it could go.

Still, too tight.

Was odd.

Then I saw it in a gray camo, omg so me.

I really wanted it.

So I tried again.

Nope. Too tight.

Really pissed me off because then I really wanted it.

But I left Italy without it.

Sads.

Then I happened to be on the website last month.

And it looked exactly like the one in Italy last year.

The one that was too tight.

Except this one had an odd title.

It was called a wrist pouch.

You know why?

BECAUSE IT'S FOR THE FUCKING WRIST!

But nobody in Italy knew.

It was pre-rona.

That's pretty fucked up.

But I got it and I love it.

So I posted a pic here.

Ya'll were mean and nasty, fyi.

Meantime, I love it.

So fuck the wrist pouch haters.

Still worried about lunch.

If I have another cucumber bowl I might kill myself.

Even though I wrote the book.

The thing is, it works.

But like, how many months can you eat that?

It's been 9 months.

I'm thin AF though.

But my grandmother always used to say...

"Beauty knows no pain"

She was gorgeous, though.

She had her very own diet.

She forced it on my mother and aunt.

It was called the "half, dear, half" diet.

They were thin.

They hated her for it though.

Retirement is fun.

I had the best idea for a new script.

But I forgot already.

I remember it was great though.

I miss my dog.

Gone a year.

But I can't train a dog during the pandemic.

I live in a big building.

Can't mask up and take the dog in the elevator.

Through the lobby.

Down the street every five minutes.

I should adopt an older dog, they are last to be adopted.

I don't want to though.

I'll just say it's old.

Nobody will be the wiser.

I asked people about what breeds they like.

I got a thousand hate tweets.

It doesn't matter adopt blah.

Nobody reads shit.

Oh look, it's noon.

Time for lunch.

This was fun talking to myself out loud.

Maybe I'll come back and keep doing it.

Maybe I won't.

I dunno.

Retirement is so so so fun.

I'm not hungry yet.

I opened the fridge, was like, nah.

I can wait until 12:30.

OMG I'm my grandparents.

Still, sweating.

Weird.

I might need less synthroid.

Would be weird if I'm nervous sweating.

Over nothing.

I should have kept the puzzle.

Retirement is great.

I should walk by the ocean.

Maybe I will.

September 1st.

Sucks.

Summer is over.

OMG I just realized I have a call today at 3.

Kind of stressful.

I'll try and get out of it.

It's a zoom.

People who though of that should be punished.

Now I have to worry about those judgy assholes who rate your room.

I don't GAF though.

I could go upstairs though.

It's nicer.

A little more art.

Even though I'm a plant murder, I should get one.

Would look better in the background.

Ugh, where is the props person when you need them.

Like because I'm gay everyone thinks I can decorate.

I can't. But I can pick nice things.

They don't always go together nice.

This gives a whole new meaning to playing with yourself.

Going to take a walk.

If one person cares when I get back I'll talk to myself more.

But nobody reads the whole tweet anyway...

For those of you who need to hear that.

I'll be back.

Maybe.

One more thing.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but...

Retirement is so fun.

FYI I'm having motivational issues.

But It's gorgeous out.

I really should walk.

I saw these fabulous new kicks.

NOTE: fabulous is such a gay word for men

They are a collab between @adidas and @Prada

They're not cheap.

You have to get in a lottery to see if you *win* them.

For like, a gagillion dollars.

I'm so lucky. Not.

The thing is, they're made in Italy.

And in Italy I'm a 43.5.

That's like a 9 1/2.

But in adidas, I'm a 10.

So I emailed them both and asked...

"Is it an adidas last or prada?"

Nobody knows.

So I sent a snotty DM to @adidas here.

See if they respond.

But it's pretty dumb that nobody knows.

Gonna force myself to walk.

Back later.

I think.

BTW, I made it past 12:30.

If I walk an hour I won't have lunch until 1:30.

But I think that will help.

So I won't have dinner at 4.

Love retirement. So much fun.

I'm really going to walk now.

Scream at the anti-maskers.

Is this a thing?

Prolly no.

K, be back.

LOVE LOVE retirement. So much fun.

SUCCESS!

I made it from my desk to the my dresser to change.

Still a lil sweaty.

So somebody gave me a big pack of these "dude wipes"

I think it was because they hated them.

How could they not what a stupid name.

But I did my pits.

And they have a fucking scent.

Sucks.

Now I smell like a tarted up ho.

Gonna walk now.

I have to.

Because every day I worked I had an excuse not to.

Now I don't.

Wish me luck.

Also, retirement is so fun.

And I'm taking my not arm but wrist pouch.

So there.

Ta.

I made it.

The boardwalk is dead.

And I got my AirPods in so I might be singing out loud.

OMG Gaga on my playlist.

Americano. So old.

Awwww. Love it.

These lyrics though.

Don’t ya try to catch me,
Don’t ya try to catch me,
Don’t ya try to catch me, no,no no, no...

I might be running like a twelve year old spaz looking over my shoulder like somebody is actually chasing me.

Retirement is so fun.

Not gonna love tweet though.

I’m walking for time.

I miss @andylassner dammit.

Live tweet dammit.

So many tiopos.

Long walk.

Won’t get lunch till 2:30.

Trynna put dinner back with no schedule.

Fuck. Forgot my meds.

I love love Amy Macdonald.

But her voice is giving me shingles today.

I dunno. When in doubt @saintphnx is always a sure thing.

On my way back.

I’m just dying to yell at someone...

“WHATS YOUR NAME?”

Just to see.

Okay I did it.

Day one of retirement, I slow walked.

Lunch!

Here’s a clip of my adventure.

I know, it’s not a *cone* don’t @ me.

Thanks for listening to “Retirement Day 1”

I may be back I dunno