Little known facts: I've got really intense taboo, contamination and forever-ruining-things OCD thoughts. I used to dream I cause zombie apocalypses, poison or stab loved ones, ruin my body forever, realise I've murder-raped a 100 kids in a fugue state, cause nuclear disasters

I used to be incapable of throwing trash away because I felt I will magically increase global warming causing behaviours in the collective subconscious. I was scared of driving a car and refused to get a license well past legal driving age. I held onto my virginity for purity.

I feared I was a future psychopath, serial killer, school shooter, cult leader, abuser, rapist, pedophile, that I'd have all kinds of taboo and illegal sex, even if I did not want to. It felt inevitable, with the vivid thoughts I had.

Any depravity or morally shocking act that my brain simulated committing in vivid detail convinced me I'm pure evil. Decreasing my influence in the world felt like the only morally redeeming act. I was to be as pure and dead as possible to avoid harm to others.

Don't kill animals, don't participate in capitalism, don't pollute, don't use plastic, don't fuck, don't make mistakes, don't hurt feelings, don't cause anything to happen. Meditate, kill all thoughts, eat foraged plants, own 20 items of clothing, no more.

I was really good at it too. Shaved my head, killed my ego, lied with the lights off in my bare essentials flat with my dumpster dived mattress.

I was a self made zen monk. But the thoughts only got stronger and made more convincing points. An animal could have needed that blueberry I ate in the woods. My footsteps might spread the seeds of invasive plants.
If I killed myself, someone else could have my rental apartment.

I contemplated killing myself with the fierce compassion of a bodhisattva. No carbon footprint. No plastic packaging on the water poisoning pain medication I was on. Free up nutrients for microbes decomposing my body.

But no... Family has to pay for my funeral, or wonder forever where I disappeared if I let wild beasts eat me and scatter my bones in the woods. My suicide method will be traumatic to the person who sees my body.

Even morally motivated suicide is full of moral failings.

I finally came to the conclusion that I must live with the God given potential for harm. I will increase entropy, might as well put the stolen energy towards something. Find projects that justify the pesticides used for growing my food. Make art that justifies the cadmium paint.

If it's at all possible that I might cause more good than evil, I'll give myself to that cause, rather than escape the respinsibility and kill myself for a quick relief.

I'm God's monster now, his serial killer. Any harm I do I do to do good. My Boddhisattva vows apply here.

Eat raw meat of animals you killed, practice knife play with those you fear stabbing, destroy perfectly useable goods and buy luxuries to replace them, get horny and seduce, kill God and Buddha and spark joy

Once you find the pure land and the charnel ground you may see they're the same thing. Saya no Uta syndrome. It was always the same thing. The world is horrible and ruined and perfect and intarnishable https://vividness.live/2012/08/22/charnel-ground/
https://vividness.live/2012/09/11/pure-land/