Read on Twitter
Time for a drowsy, "I can't sleep" thread where I vent about my stupid, incredibly personal insecurities that are keeping me up. Namely that...I'm fearing that none my friendships are as deep as I thought they were. 1/8
It's been a long while, even since before quarantine, since my irl social activity was ever frequent. I had started to barely attend events that I always would before, and now that quarantine has been in effect, I'm pretty much without a social life irl. 2/8
I guess I've tried to make up for it with an online presence, messaging both irl friends and internet friends to keep up. But, on top of it not feeling the same, I think it's given me a false sense of how deep my friendships online are. 3/8
I put a lot of effort into an online social life, but I forget that all my online friends (and to an extent my irl friends) have their own lives and friendships irl that have developed far longer and deeper than any friendship with me. 4/8
It feels like I'm just inserting myself into everyone's lives, hoping that something will happen. I mean, friends do respond, and I do add a little conversation to their lives. But I'm getting the feeling more and more that it can't develop further than that online. 5/8
The main thing that brought this thread on was that an online friend told me that they were not going to message internet friends anymore so they could focus on important irl stuff. And I respect that, but... 6/8
It also made me realize that I've staked my social life as of late on online relationships, and those are generally considered lower-priority. I feel as if....well...I think I'm better friends with people than they actually consider me. Which is creepy and pathetic of me. 7/8
I care so easily and so much about people. And I don't want to stop caring that way. But...I also feel so lost, and that I'm just tricking myself into thinking I'm not alone. And....that's it. I don't know how to handle that or fix myself on that. 8/8
I don't know how I'm going to solve this.
