A little parable on self-care that has some twists and turns (thread).

I used to run. Like, a lot. Like, two dozen health marathons in two years. And then, hard things happened in my life & I stopped. Started feeling really anxious any time I even thought of running. (1/10)

For several years, I would attempt comebacks. It never really stuck. It was hard to make a routine when I was battling my mental health. I also didn’t want to invest in the process (new shoes etc) because I knew I was unreliable about follow-through. (2/10)

Then, this winter, I really started hitting my stride again. I was running regularly, but I was also getting some serious hip and back pain. First, I assumed it was my body tryna get back in shape. I pushed on, not wanting to lose my gains. (3/10)

The pain was persistent. Nearly constant. Couldn’t get up from the couch w/o yelping. I didn’t think it was my shoes; they were brand new back when I’d stopped running & they had low miles. I developed restless leg issues in addition to the pain. But I kept running. (4/10)

And I thought I was doing myself a favor. Keeping running. I felt really proud that I had a routine again. Until the hip pain got bad enough that I was limping. And even then, still proud. The pain got bad enough I considered a chiropractor. (5/10)

I thought to myself: Surely my body isn’t this much older than it was last time I did this stuff. I’m only running 5ks; this isn’t distance running; I know how to eat and stretch, etc. Why is this so much harder than it used to be? Which caused a self-doubt spiral. (6/10)

Eventually, 3 weeks ago, I bit the bulletin and got new running shoes. Literally nearly immediately, the pain stopped. The simple, easy thing - the thing I denied myself because of inconsistency & flawed ideas of “deserving” - was the actual thing that eased my pain. (7/10)

Now, I’m running faster AND my back & legs are great. I can hardly believe what a simple fix it was, not how stubborn and unfair to myself I’d been in waiting to embrace the easy fix. Why had I let myself hurt? Where else was I doing this in my life? (8/10)

Ultimately, the lesson is not “Keep running.” The lesson is: “Ask yourself what kindness, healing, or even physical item you’ve been denying yourself because you don’t think you deserve it. What if having it would heal you or help you? Would you still wait?” (9/10)

Don’t be so hard on yourself that you deny yourself opportunities for peace or wellness or help or health. You deserve opportunities. You deserve good things. You don’t earn them through waiting or pain.

Being tender to yourself is HOW you can keep running. That’s all. (10/10)

*half marathons ugh